OMG! 😱 Tom Hanks, bless his cotton socks, is back for ‘Greyhound 2: Electric Boogaloo’! Because, you know, the first one wasn’t *quite* long enough to bore us all to tears. He’s not just starring, oh no, he’s WRITING it too! Get ready for a cinematic masterpiece of… naval warfare?😴
So, apparently, ‘Greyhound,’ the movie Sony dumped like a hot potato 🥔 onto Apple TV+ (because even *they* knew what was up), is getting a sequel. Yes, the film that proved even Tom Hanks can’t make naval procedure exciting for two straight hours is getting another go. They say lightning never strikes twice, but apparently, boredom does. 🙄
According to “Deadline,” (which is *totally* a reliable source and not just some blog your uncle shares on Facebook), production is going to kick off in Sydney, Australia, in January 2026. Why Australia? Probably because it’s as far away from Hollywood as possible, and they’re hoping we’ll forget about it by then. 🦘 Aaron Schneider, the director who somehow managed to make Tom Hanks look seasick, is back too!
And hold onto your hats, folks, because Stephen Graham (who was also in that *other* snoozefest, ‘Adolescence’) and Elisabeth Shue (who probably needs the paycheck) are rumored to be returning. Because what ‘Greyhound’ really needed was *more* familiar faces looking stressed on a boat. 🛥️
But wait, there’s more! ‘Greyhound’ was based on some old book from 1955, ‘The Good Shepherd.’ I bet C.S. Forester is rolling in his grave, wondering why his literary masterpiece has been turned into a streaming service filler. 💀 The plot? Captain Ernest Krause (aka Tom Hanks, doing his best Captain Serious face) has to protect a convoy from those pesky German U-boats. It’s like ‘Das Boot,’ but without the claustrophobia or interesting characters. 🤷♂️
Remember when Sony was going to release this in theaters? Then COVID hit, and they were like, “Nah, let’s just give it to Apple. They’ll take anything.” And they did! Apple TV+ apparently thought it was a good idea. It even got an Oscar nom for best sound. Because, you know, the sound of torpedoes is *super* compelling. 💥
Apparently, this sequel went into development in 2022. Because, you know, the world was clamoring for more ‘Greyhound.’ This is all part of Tom Hanks’ deal with Apple, which also gave us ‘Masters of the Air.’ Because what the world needs is MORE World War II content. 🙄 I bet they’re already planning ‘Greyhound 3: Tokyo Drift’ for 2028. 🚗
As for the plot of ‘Greyhound 2: The Squeakquel,’ (working title, obvi), Captain Krause and his trusty vessel are going to be involved in both the D-Day invasion AND the Pacific conflict. So, get ready for two hours of Tom Hanks squinting at the horizon in *two* different oceans! 🌊 They haven’t decided if it’s going straight to Apple TV+ or if they’re going to try to trick us into seeing it in theaters. My money’s on Apple TV+. 🍎
Before we get ‘Greyhound 2: Judgement Day’, we can see Hanks in Wes Anderson’s new movie, ‘The Phoenician Scheme.’ Because what’s more different than a Tom Hanks naval movie than a Wes Anderson movie? It’s premiering at Cannes. I’m sure the French will *love* it. 🇫🇷
And if you’re REALLY desperate for more Tom Hanks content (and I’m questioning your life choices if you are), there’s a handy link to buy his movies on Amazon. Because, you know, Jeff Bezos needs more money. 💰
So, there you have it, folks. ‘Greyhound 2: This Time It’s Personal.’ Get ready for more historical inaccuracies, more dramatic music, and more Tom Hanks being earnest. It’s going to be… something. 😴😴😴
Finn McFrame, celebrated satirical mastermind and self-proclaimed “Emperor of Irony,” started his illustrious career as a cinematographer, where his expertise in capturing every single frame of a squirrel stealing a baguette earned him accolades at obscure film festivals.
Born in the glamorous town of Boring, Oregon, Finn grew up with dreams of being a Hollywood director until he realized that satire, not cinema, was his true calling—or at least the one that let him sleep until noon.
Finn McFrame: changing the world, one satirical lens flare at a time.
