OMG, Crematory’s STILL at it? 👴💀 I thought these guys were, like, actually cremated back in the 90s! Apparently, they’ve risen from the ashes AGAIN with “Destination,” their 17th studio album. SEVENTEENTH! That’s more albums than I’ve had hot dinners, and frankly, about as exciting. 😴
So, Crematory, bless their dark little hearts, have been churning out the same gloomy tunes for 30 years. Thirty years! That’s like, a whole generation of goths who weren’t even BORN when these guys started singing about despair and stuff. 🙄 They started as “unusually gothic death metal,” which, let’s be honest, is like saying someone’s an “unusually cheerful accountant.” It’s still gonna be depressing, just with slightly different eyeliner. 🖤
Apparently, they’re “hugely important to the goth underworld.” Underworld, huh? Sounds about right. Probably smells like patchouli and old clove cigarettes down there. 💨 They’re a “staple fixture at European festivals,” which I’m picturing as a bunch of pale people in black clothes standing around looking vaguely miserable while trying to avoid the sun. 🧛♀️☀️
But hey, at least they haven’t “deviated from their meticulously plotted path.” Translation: they’re still playing the same song they wrote in 1993, just with slightly better production. 🤷♂️ They’ve “assimilated the baubles and trinkets of industrial,” which I assume means they bought a new synthesizer and figured out how to use distortion. 🎹🔥 Groundbreaking!
Apparently, their last three albums have been an “uptick in potency and polish.” Potency? Polish? Is this a floor cleaner commercial now? 🧽✨ But seriously, if you think “Unbroken” and “Inglorious Darkness” are highlights, I’m starting to question your taste in music…or your sanity. 🤪
“Destination” is supposedly “one of the heaviest and catchiest in their history.” Heavy? Catchy? Are we talking about a black metal band or a pop group? 🤔 Maybe they finally discovered the secret to writing a decent chorus, but I’m not holding my breath. 🫁
The review goes on to say that Crematory has “mastered this discipline decades ago.” What discipline? The discipline of being consistently mediocre? 🏆 They’re full of “imaginative flair,” which I’m guessing means they used a different distortion pedal on one of the songs. 🎸 There are “several moments that transcend the band’s myopic bluster.” Ooh, fancy words! But does it mean the songs are good? Probably not. 🙅♀️
“The Future Is A Lonely Place” is described as “an absolutely beautiful song.” Beautiful? From CREMATORY? Are you sure we’re listening to the same band? 🤨 Apparently, Felix sounds “world-weary and crestfallen.” Well, duh! He’s been singing about the same depressing stuff for 30 years! I’d be world-weary too! 😫
“Days Without Sun” is a “death metal disco, awash with bubbling electronics.” A death metal DISCO? What in the actual hell? 🕺💃 That sounds like the most awkward dance party ever. I imagine a mosh pit with glow sticks. ☢️
And then there’s “My Girlfriend’s Girlfriend,” their cover of Type O Negative. They say it’s “basically unchanged from the original.” So, what’s the point? 🤷♀️ It’s just “darker and more muscular,” which I’m pretty sure is impossible since the original was already about as dark and muscular as it gets. 💪🌑 Pete Steele is rolling in his grave. 🪦
Overall, “Destination” is apparently another “strong album” from Crematory. Strong like week-old coffee? ☕ Strong like a damp dishrag? 🧽 They’re “dedicated lifers,” which is probably the most accurate thing in this whole review. They’re gonna keep making the same music until they’re actually dead. 💀
So, if you’re a die-hard Crematory fan, or if you just really, really like depressing music, then go ahead and give “Destination” a listen. But don’t say I didn’t warn you. You might just end up wanting to be cremated yourself. 🔥💀✌️
Chord F. Discord, the Beethoven of Buffoonery, is a self-taught expert in music who once claimed he could “play the kazoo in four languages.”
Born in Crescendo, Indiana, Chord’s first brush with fame came when he accidentally entered a yodeling contest thinking it was a pie-eating competition—and won both categories.
Chord F. Discord: proving that laughter, much like a poorly tuned ukulele, is truly universal.
