🎸💰 Oh, the audacity! Gene Simmons, the Demon of… charging exorbitant prices, is back at it again! Apparently, being a rock god isn’t lucrative enough, so he’s now offering you, yes YOU, the chance to be his personal roadie for a day. For the low, low price of $12,495 (plus your concert ticket, naturally), you can experience the thrill of carrying his guitar picks, fetching his water, and generally being a glorified servant. 🤣 But hey, you get a crew shirt and hat! So, totally worth it, right? 🙄
Seriously, who needs a retirement plan when you can just sell “experiences” to gullible fans? 🤔 I mean, I get it, Gene’s gotta Gene, but this is next-level. He claims it’s about giving fans a glimpse behind the curtain, a chance to see what it’s *really* like to be Gene Simmons. But let’s be real, it’s about lining his pockets. 🤑
He justifies the price by saying insurance costs are “astronomical” because everyone in America is just waiting to sue him for a paper cut. 🤣 Oh, Gene, you sweet, paranoid man. It’s not about insurance, it’s about gouging fans who are desperate for a fleeting moment of connection with their idol. 🙄
And the best part? He’ll bring you on stage to sing along! 🎉 Because nothing screams “intimate experience” like being thrust into the spotlight with a rock legend while thousands of people stare at you awkwardly. 😬 But hey, you get a signed setlist! Perfect for eBay! 💸
But wait, there’s more! For a mere $6,500 (non-stage-played) or $12,500 (stage-played), you can own one of Gene’s basses! 🎸 I’m sure it’s been thoroughly sanitized after every sweaty performance. 🧼 Because nothing says “rock and roll” like germophobia. 🦠
He’s postponed almost 20 dates to 2026. Maybe he’s waiting for inflation to kick in so he can charge even MORE for this “once-in-a-lifetime” experience. 😈
The perks are endless, really. You get to “meet up with Gene” (hopefully he remembers your name), join the “GENE SIMMONS BAND team crew” (prepare for grunt work), and “hang out backstage” (probably in a dimly lit corner while Gene does his thing). 😒 Oh, and you get a meal with Gene! Just try not to talk too much, he might charge you extra for the conversation. 🙊
He claims this whole solo tour thing is about “freedom” and “expelling energy.” 🧘♀️ Right, because nothing says “freedom” like meticulously calculating the maximum amount of money you can extract from your fans. 💰
He even compares his band to Chuck Berry, saying they just show up and jam. 🎸 Yeah, except Chuck Berry wasn’t charging fans thousands of dollars to carry his guitar case. 🤦♀️
Financially, he says he makes MORE with his solo band because there are “no managers, no private jets, no 20 tractor trailers.” ✈️ Translation: he’s cutting out the middleman and keeping all the cash for himself. 💰💰💰
So, if you’ve got a spare $12,495 burning a hole in your pocket and a burning desire to be Gene Simmons’s personal assistant for a day, then by all means, go for it! 🤪 Just don’t come crying to me when you realize you could have bought a decent used car instead. 🚗💨
Remember kids, rock and roll is a business, and Gene Simmons is a businessman first and a rock star second. 🤘💰 Just don’t expect him to share the profits. 🤫
P.S. If anyone actually buys this “experience,” please document it and send me the footage. I need material for my next comedy routine. 😂
Chord F. Discord, the Beethoven of Buffoonery, is a self-taught expert in music who once claimed he could “play the kazoo in four languages.”
Born in Crescendo, Indiana, Chord’s first brush with fame came when he accidentally entered a yodeling contest thinking it was a pie-eating competition—and won both categories.
Chord F. Discord: proving that laughter, much like a poorly tuned ukulele, is truly universal.
