Trump Announces Seal Team 6 Killed U.S. Protester In Daring Overnight Raid
Read MoreThe OnionWhite House sources have confirmed the successful execution of 19-year-old college sophomore Evan Dixon late last night by…
Month: April 2025
God Too Obsessed With Ants Right Now To Focus On Next Pope
Read MoreThe OnionTHE HEAVENS—Admitting that He had barely even noticed the leader of the Catholic Church had died, God, our…
Helmet’s Page Hamilton Thinks You’re a Moron If You Think “Betty” Is Their Best Album 😂🤣🙄
So, Page Hamilton, bless his heart 🙄, is STILL yapping about “Betty.” Apparently, some South American folks are gonna get…
For First Time In History, Supreme Court Has 5 Female Justices
WASHINGTON, D.C. — A special ceremony was scheduled to be held today to mark the historic occasion, as for the…
Leif Edling Dangles Candlemass Reunion Carrot With Messiah, Then Snatches It Away Like a Troll With a God Complex 😈
OMG! 😱 Leif Edling, the puppet master 🪖 behind CANDLEMASS, just dropped a bombshell 💣: Messiah Marcolin is back for…
Serial Killer Could Have Sworn He Killed That Guy Already
Read MoreThe OnionWORCESTER, MA—Blinking in disbelief as the individual passed him on the street alive and well, local serial killer…
10 Frontrunners To Be The Next Pope
Following the passing of Pope Francis, the Catholic Church is now deep into the process of electing a new leader.…
MS-13 Added To LGBTQ Acronym
U.S. — In yet another step toward the advancement of protections for all people groups, activists announced today that MS-13…
Michael Bay and OutRun: Racing with Transformers and Apocalypse🚗💥
In Hollywood, a new cinematic masterpiece is brewing from the master of explosions and Transformers — Michael Bay. This time,…
Unpopular Pete Hegseth Forced To Drink Lunch Alone
Read MoreThe OnionWASHINGTON—Looking around with despair as he searched for an open seat in the Pentagon cafeteria, U.S. Secretary of…