Trump Excitedly Wakes Up And Checks Under His Pillow To See If The Tariff Fairy Has Left New Manufacturing Jobs
WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Donald Trump awoke this morning with a giddy schoolboy’s excitement, knowing that the Tariff Fairy promises…
Month: April 2025
Musk Announces All 340 Million Americans Must Strip And Take Turn Pushing The Wheel Of Pain
Read MoreThe OnionWASHINGTON—In a controversial move that has outraged those critical of President Trump’s agenda, Elon Musk announced Friday that…
🍺 Springsteen’s New “Tracks II: The Lost Albums” Record: 83 Songs About Hammers, Metal, and Post-Shift Beers!
Bruce Springsteen, the legendary rock musician and billionaire, is reminding the world of his roots. On June 27, he’s releasing…
Heaven Unveils Special VIP Lounge For People Who Went To Wednesday Night Church
HEAVEN — Representatives from the Pearly Gates have unveiled a special, exclusive VIP lounge for faithful believers who took the…
Trump Calmly Reminds Nation That Desire The Root Of All Suffering
Read MoreThe OnionWASHINGTON—Seeking to reassure the public after his latest tariffs sent both U.S. and international markets into free fall,…
Cory Booker Sets Record For Longest Fingernails On Senate Floor
Read MoreThe OnionWASHINGTON—Giving Democrats a sense of hope for the first time in months, Sen. Cory Booker (D-NJ) reportedly set…
Man Still Not Sure Whether Mumford & Sons Actually Existed Or He Just Imagined It
SALINA, KS — Local man Jared Halderman reportedly went through a period of confused bewilderment after realizing he was unsure…
Trump Informs Nation They Better Start Liking Those Little Canned Wieners
Read MoreThe OnionWASHINGTON—Saying that Americans should anticipate certain lifestyle changes as a result of his newly announced tariffs, President Donald…
Israel Claims Slain Palestinian Rescue Workers Didn’t Properly Identify Selves As Human Beings
Read MoreThe OnionRAFAH, GAZA—Responding to reports that 15 rescue workers in Gaza were killed execution style and buried in a…
Dodgers Bankrupted As Trump Places 25% Tariff On Japanese Players
LOS ANGELES, CA — Major League Baseball’s hottest franchise suddenly and unexpectedly announced the suspension of all operations today, as…