OMG! 😱🎸 Shred Lord John 5, fresh from his totally-not-controversial-at-all gig replacing Mick Mars in Mötley Crüe (more on that later, drama llamas 🦙), is dropping a NEW solo album called “Ghost” on October 10th! Barry Pointer (who?) produced it. The first single, “Fiend,” features the legendary Kenny Aronoff. And yes, there’s a music video. Prepare to be… mildly entertained? 🤔
Hold on to your hats (or wigs, if you’re into that Crüe aesthetic) because John 5 and Richie Kotzen (remember him? The guy who almost joined Poison?) are going on tour together! 🤯 It’s gonna be a battle of the bland! 😴 Kicking off October 16th, they’ll be gracing (or defacing) stages across the U.S. Get ready for guitar faces galore! 🤪
John 5 himself (or his publicist, who knows?) says: “I’ve got a brand-new show and a whole bunch of songs we haven’t played in a long time plus all your favorites. I’m super excited! I love touring with other great guitarists like Richie Kotzen! It’s gonna be a Noodle-Palooza.” Noodle-Palooza? Seriously? Is that even a word? 🤦♂️ Sounds like a pasta-themed food fight gone wrong. 🍝
Apparently, John 5 has been “one of the most in-demand guitar players on the planet” for over 30 years. Sure, Jan. He’s been a hired gun for everyone from Rob Zombie to Marilyn Manson to… Rob Halford? Okay, that’s kinda cool. He’s also “worked” with KD Lang, Rod Stewart, David Lee Roth, Alice Cooper, Tina Guo, LYNYRD SKYNYRD, Meat Loaf, Dolly Parton, and Ricky Martin. That’s… eclectic. Is he trying to collect them all like Pokémon cards? 🃏 Gotta catch ’em all!
But the real tea ☕ is about that Mötley Crüe gig. After Mick Mars “retired” (wink, wink nudge, nudge 😉) from touring, John 5 swooped in like a vulture at a buffet. Now he’s rocking the stadium circuit with Vince Neil’s… ahem… *unique* vocals. And don’t forget the upcoming Vegas residency in 2025! More Crüe, more cheese, more… questionable decisions? 🤷♀️
Let’s not forget about John‘s last solo masterpiece, “Sinner,” released in 2021. The hit single, “Qué Pasa,” featured Dave Mustaine, who probably regretted it immediately. 😖 And Peter Criss, the original KISS drummer, showed up to ruin “Georgia On My Mind.” I mean, why, Peter, why? 😭 It’s like he was actively trying to sabotage a classic. 💥
In the past four years, John 5 has been busy with a documentary featuring testimonials from Joe Satriani, Rob Halford, the late Gary Rossington, Michael Anthony, and Rudy Sarzo. Sounds like a real snooze-fest. 😴 And he’s opening a KISS museum, filled with his personal mementos and “rare artifacts.” I bet it’s just a bunch of Gene Simmons’s used tongue depressors. 👅
Slash (who probably said this while drunk 🍻) called John 5 “one of the most mind-blowing guitarists around.” Rob Zombie (who is clearly contractually obligated to say nice things) dubbed him “a fucking shredder.” Well, “fucking shredder” is definitely a term. 🤣
John 5 has released ten solo albums and a remix album. That’s ten albums too many, if you ask me. Just kidding… mostly. 😜
Chord F. Discord, the Beethoven of Buffoonery, is a self-taught expert in music who once claimed he could “play the kazoo in four languages.”
Born in Crescendo, Indiana, Chord’s first brush with fame came when he accidentally entered a yodeling contest thinking it was a pie-eating competition—and won both categories.
Chord F. Discord: proving that laughter, much like a poorly tuned ukulele, is truly universal.
