In a shocking turn of events that nobody saw coming (except everyone), FOREIGNER‘s Kelly Hansen, a man who has been expertly mimicking Lou Gramm for two decades, has announced his retirement from touring. Yes, you read that right. The voice that brought you such hits as… well, the hits that Lou Gramm sang originally, is hanging up his mic. 🎤 But fear not, loyal fans (do they still exist?), because FOREIGNER has a plan so diabolical, so utterly corporate, it’s genius! Or maybe just sad. 🤔
Hansen, in an interview with WDHA-FM 105.5 FM, revealed that his departure is less of a “goodbye” and more of a “handoff.” A handoff to Luis Maldonado, the band’s rhythm guitar player. Apparently, Maldonado is not only a guitar wizard but also a vocal prodigy, ready to step into the shoes of… well, Kelly Hansen, who was already stepping into someone else’s shoes. It’s like a never-ending cycle of tribute bands within tribute bands! 🔄
The grand reveal of Maldonado as the next frontman happened on “The Voice,” because what better place to announce a classic rock band’s lineup change than a singing competition for aspiring pop stars? 🌟 It’s the perfect synergy of genres, generations, and questionable decisions. Hansen claims he brought the idea to Mick Jones in 2022, who was “very supportive” but secretly wondering if he could just replace everyone with holograms at this point. 🤖
Hansen, bless his heart, says the demanding catalog of songs is getting harder to sing as he ages. You know, those songs that were originally sung by someone else? 👴 He doesn’t want to deliver anything less than the best, which is admirable, unless you consider that “the best” is subjective and probably peaked in 1984. 🤷♂️ So, the solution? Replace him with a younger model! It’s the rock and roll equivalent of replacing your old iPhone with the latest version, except this one can still barely make calls. 📱
When asked about his final FOREIGNER concert, Hansen said he doesn’t even want to think about it. Probably because it involves admitting that he spent 20 years in a band that was essentially a cover band of itself. 😬 He also mentioned that playing the songs requires him to “open himself up emotionally,” which is a bold claim considering he’s singing lyrics written by someone else about emotions he may or may not have experienced. 🎭
As for future plans, Hansen is considering continuing his philanthropic work with Shriners Hospitals For Children and the Grammy Foundation. Which is great, but let’s be honest, everyone’s just waiting for him to start his own tribute band called “Almost FOREIGNER” or “FOREIGNER: The Kelly Hansen Years.” 🎶
Mick Jones, the only original member left, chimed in with the usual corporate-speak, saying he wanted to assemble the “finest group of musicians” back in 1976. Which is funny, because the current lineup consists of one original member and a bunch of ringers. 🤡 He also praised Hansen for breathing new life into the songs, which is technically true, if you consider mouth-to-mouth resuscitation “new life.” 💋
Maldonado, the chosen one, says the music has been part of his life for as long as he can remember. Probably because he heard it on classic rock radio while learning guitar to play in *this* band. 🎸 He’s ready to “honor FOREIGNER‘s legacy,” which basically means he’s ready to sing “I Want to Know What Love Is” for the next 20 years. ❤️
So, there you have it. The saga of FOREIGNER continues, with a new singer, the same old songs, and a whole lot of nostalgia. Get your tickets now, before they realize they should’ve just hired a hologram. 🎟️
P.S. Mick Jones has Parkinson’s disease, which explains why he hasn’t been on stage since 2022. But hey, the show must go on, right? 🙄
Chord F. Discord, the Beethoven of Buffoonery, is a self-taught expert in music who once claimed he could “play the kazoo in four languages.”
Born in Crescendo, Indiana, Chord’s first brush with fame came when he accidentally entered a yodeling contest thinking it was a pie-eating competition—and won both categories.
Chord F. Discord: proving that laughter, much like a poorly tuned ukulele, is truly universal.
