In a recent interview with Chaoszine (more like Chaos-SNOOZE-ine, amirite? 😂), HALESTORM’s Lzzy Hale, who apparently SOME people think is one of the best female rock singers (debatable, but okay 👌), was asked about her “vocal evolution.” Evolution? More like devolution into generic rock screams. She responded, and we bravely transcribed it for you, because someone had to.
Lzzy started by saying she “hardly warms up anymore.” Oh, honey, we can tell. 🙉 She reminisced about singing to squirrels in the woods. Squirrels, the harshest critics of us all. 🐿️ Apparently, these woodland creatures were her first audience. No wonder she thinks screaming is singing. She then name-dropped Steve Whiteman from KIX. KIX? Who are KIX? 🤔 Did they even have a hit besides that one song that sounds like every other hair metal song? Anyway, this guy taught her how to scream… I mean, “warm up.” 🙄
She claims that after 28 years in HALESTORM, her body “just knows how to kick into gear.” Yeah, it kicks into gear alright – right into a wall of mediocrity. 🧱 She went on to say that singing feels like “breathing” to her. Maybe she should try holding her breath for a while; might improve the vocals. 🫁
Then, Lzzy declared, “I’m not saying this in any egotistical way…” (Narrator: She was totally saying it in an egotistical way). 🙄 She’s apparently reached a level where her idols told her she’d get to, as long as she didn’t “screw it up with drugs and alcohol.” Oh, so that’s the secret! Maybe she should try a little bit of both; could make things interesting. 🥃 She then dropped the name of Ronnie James Dio. 🤘 Dio probably just felt bad for her and wanted to be nice. I mean, who wouldn’t want to pinch Lzzy’s cheeks? She finished by saying she breaks through the “fear wall” every night. More like a wall of sound that makes you want to run for the exits. 🏃♀️
HALESTORM is releasing “Everest” on August 8th. Everest? More like Mount Overrated. 🏔️ The title track’s music video features “humans on the brink and imminent explosions.” Sounds about right for a HALESTORM song. 🔥 It follows “Darkness Always Wins,” which is apparently doing well on the radio. Who knew people still listened to the radio? 📻
HALESTORM is currently touring with IRON MAIDEN. Iron Maiden? What are they thinking? 🤯 It’s like pairing filet mignon with a gas station hot dog. They’ll also be playing at BLACK SABBATH’s final show. Talk about a buzzkill. 💀 Then they’re touring with VOLBEAT. More like Bore-beat, amirite? 😂 And if that wasn’t enough, they’re doing the “nEVEREST” tour with Lindsey Stirling and APOCALYPTICA.🎻 Because nothing says “rock” like a violin and some cellos. 🤦♀️
“Everest” is produced by Dave Cobb, who has worked with some actually talented artists. Maybe he was having an off day when he worked with HALESTORM. 🤷♀️ Lzzy claims the album is a “story of our journey as a band.” A journey to the bottom of the charts, maybe?📉 It’s a “rollercoaster of epic musical detours.” More like a kiddie coaster of predictable riffs. 🎢 She wants to “reintroduce” HALESTORM. Maybe they should just introduce themselves as a cover band; might be more accurate. 🎤
Rolling Stone said “Darkness Always Wins” is “catchy, brooding, and dramatic.” Translation: It’s the same HALESTORM song they’ve been writing for 20 years. 😴 Revolver noted “exquisite minor-key melodicism.” Exquisite? More like excruciating. 😖
HALESTORM is fronted by Lzzy, with her brother Arejay on drums, Joe Hottinger on guitar, and Josh Smith on bass. They’ve earned multiple platinum and gold certifications. Apparently, awards don’t equal talent. 🏆 Lzzy was named the first female brand ambassador for Gibson. 🎸 Because nothing says “innovation” like sticking with the same old brand. And she hosted “A Year In Music.” A year we’d all like to forget. 🗓️
Chord F. Discord, the Beethoven of Buffoonery, is a self-taught expert in music who once claimed he could “play the kazoo in four languages.”
Born in Crescendo, Indiana, Chord’s first brush with fame came when he accidentally entered a yodeling contest thinking it was a pie-eating competition—and won both categories.
Chord F. Discord: proving that laughter, much like a poorly tuned ukulele, is truly universal.
