Oh, great, another game announcement! 🙄 NetEase Games, the masters of churning out mobile games and that one vaguely popular battle royale thing, are gracing us with their presence in the AAA single-player market. Brace yourselves, folks, because they’re dropping *Blood Message* on us. Prepare for awesomeness… or not. 🤷♂️
So, *Blood Message* is supposed to be this super-duper cinematic and story-driven epic set during the Tang Dynasty. Because, you know, we haven’t had enough games set in ancient China, right? 🙄 It’s being made by 24 Entertainment Studio, the same geniuses behind *Naraka: Bladepoint*. Ah yes, the battle royale game that everyone totally remembers and still plays religiously. Clearly, they’re experts at crafting deep, engaging single-player experiences. 🤡 The game is “inspired” by Wuxia films, which basically means it’s gonna be full of people flying around and doing crazy martial arts stuff. Expect wire-fu and physics defying stunts. Original, right? 😴
The trailer? Oh, it’s got all the usual stuff: dramatic music, slow-motion shots, and vaguely historical-looking landscapes. I’m sure the gameplay will be just as riveting as watching paint dry. 🎨
In *Blood Message*, you play as some “nameless messenger” and his “young son” during the Dunhuang uprising. Because who needs emperors and generals when you can play as the totally relatable and exciting nameless messenger? 👨👦👦 They’re running around ancient China, dealing with their duty to the country and their love for family. Prepare for some deep, philosophical questions like, “Should I deliver this message or hug my son?” 🤔 Riveting stuff, I tell you! The press release says you’ll be in “the shoes of unsung heroes.” Translation: you’re gonna be doing a lot of fetch quests. 🚶♂️
It’s built on Unreal Engine 5, so it’ll probably look pretty, but they’re also using their “proprietary tools and technologies.” Which probably means they’re gonna try to reinvent the wheel and end up with a square one. 🔲 Expect “visceral third-person melee combat” mixed with “stealth and survival mechanics.” So, basically every other game released in the last decade. 🤷♀️
Zhipeng Hu, Lead Producer and NetEase Executive Vice President (because apparently, everyone at NetEase is an executive), said they’re “ushering players into a new generation of high adventure.” Yeah, right. 🙄 It’s just another game trying to cash in on the current trend of historical action games. He also said they’re “prepared to deliver a truly epic and cinematic experience.” I’ll believe it when I see it. 👁️👄👁️
The trailer looks “visually stunning,” which means it’s probably the only good thing about the game. And it’s part of a “tremendous boom” in Chinese video game development. Because apparently, quantity equals quality now. 🤷♂️ It’s being compared to *Black Myth Wukong* and *Phantom Blade Zero*. Good luck with that, NetEase. You’ll need it. 🍀
*Blood Message* is coming to PC and consoles. Get ready to be underwhelmed! 🎉
Pixel P. Snarkbyte, widely regarded as the “Shakespeare of Sh*tposts,” is a video game expert with a unique knack for turning pixels into punchlines.
Born in the small town of Respawn, Pennsylvania, Pixel grew up mashing buttons on an ancient NES controller, firmly believing that “blowing into the cartridge” was a sacred ritual passed down through generations.
Pixel P. Snarkbyte: proving that life, much like a buggy open-world game, is better with a little lag-induced chaos.
