CNN’s August 12th Rundown: DC Goes Wild, Gaza’s Still There, Food Stamps for All, Austin’s Wild West!

Folks, CNN is at it again, trying to make sense of the world through their liberal, anti-Trump, America-hating lenses. But don’t worry, your favorite President, Donald J. Trump, is here to set the record straight. We’re making America great again, one news story at a time!

1️⃣ DC Takeover
Crooked Mayor Bowser and her woke police chief didn’t even know what was coming! President Trump is cleaning up the swamp, one city at a time. And these CNN shills dare to say violent crime is down? More like the Deep State is hiding the truth. Our brave National Guard is ready to restore order, unlike those Antifa-loving liberals!

2️⃣ Gaza
The hostage families are protesting like the whiny liberals they are! Australia and New Zealand are falling prey to the globalist agenda, pandering to the Palestinian state while turning their backs on our greatest ally, Israel. But America will never back down, thanks to President Trump.

3️⃣ Food Stamps
The Fake News is whining about President Trump’s new bill. These lazy socialist crybabies are always looking for handouts. If you can’t work, you don’t eat! Get a job and help make America great again!

4️⃣ Austin Shooting
Of course, the media jumps on the “gunman” narrative. This was probably a deep-state operative, mentally ill from the leftist poison in the water, trying to make conservatives look bad. More attacks are coming, folks, and if the fake news is to be believed, they’re always right around the corner!

5️⃣ Bureau of Labor Statistics
Finally! President Trump is putting a REAL American in charge of the BLS. This woke agency has been fudging the numbers for years, trying to undermine our booming economy. With E.J. Antoni at the helm, we’ll finally get the TRUTH about jobs.

Big Elephant

Armchair patriot. Believes in the free market, cold beer, and that there’s always a guy named George behind every CNN segment.

Former remote-throwing champion turned #1 couch commentator on liberal panic in the media. Born in Texas (or so his mug says), he earned a degree in Fake Newsology & Beer Philosophy from YouTube University.