Oh, bless his heart. Chris Columbus, the visionary behind such cinematic masterpieces as… well, the first two *Harry Potter* flicks (and let’s be honest, they peaked there anyway), has declared he’s too good, too busy, too *important* to grace HBO’s upcoming *Harry Potter* reboot with his presence. 🙄 As if we were all holding our breath, praying for his divine intervention. Newsflash, Chris: We’re not.
“No, I’ve done it, you saw my version. There’s nothing left for me to do in the world of Potter,” Columbus told *Variety*. Oh, honey, nobody asked! We *saw* your version. We saw the questionable wigs, the awkward child acting, and the blatant disregard for the source material. And frankly, we’re good. Thanks for playing. 👋
But fear not, dear readers, because while Columbus won’t be gracing the new series with his… talents, he’s totally “looking forward to it.” Yeah, sure you are, Chris. We bet you’ll be perched on your couch, popcorn in hand, ready to tweet your scathing reviews under a pseudonym. 🍿 #HaterAlert
“The great thing about it is that with the first and second and third book, we wanted to do it all. We wanted to bring all of that onto the screen, and we didn’t have the opportunity,” he whined, conveniently forgetting that his movies were already longer than most people’s attention spans. Maybe try a director’s cut that’s 12 hours long? 🤣
He then laments the tragic loss of the “incredible scene” where Harry and Hermione drink poisons. Oh, the humanity! 😫 Truly, a cinematic travesty that this pivotal moment didn’t make the cut. I’m sure the new show will devote an entire episode to this vital plot point. Because, you know, *that’s* what the fans are clamoring for. 🙄
And because no *Harry Potter* article is complete without addressing the elephant in the room (no, not Hagrid), Columbus weighed in on J.K. Rowling’s transphobic comments. “I like to sometimes separate the artist from the art,” he said, because apparently basic human decency is optional these days. 🤷♂️ He thinks it’s “sad” that the franchise is being impacted by controversy. We think it’s sad that people still defend bigotry. But what do we know? 🤔
For those who have short-term memory loss, Columbus directed *Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone* and *Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets*. He also helped co-produce *Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban*, probably by microwaving popcorn and offering unsolicited advice. 🍿 “More lens flare!” he likely shrieked from the sidelines. 📢
Let’s not forget his other achievements. He wrote *The Goonies* and *Gremlins*, directed *Home Alone*, *Stepmom*, and *Mrs. Doubtfire*. So basically, he peaked in the ’80s and ’90s. No offense, Chris, but maybe it’s time to pass the torch. 🔥
The HBO series is slated to premiere sometime in 2027. Dominic McLaughlin will play Harry Potter, Alastair Stout will play Ron Weasley, and Arabella Stanton will play Hermione Granger. Alongside John Lithgow, Janet McTeer, and Nick Frost. Sounds… interesting. 🙃 Let’s just hope they don’t mess it up as badly as Columbus did. Just kidding! (Sort of.) 😜
Finn McFrame, celebrated satirical mastermind and self-proclaimed “Emperor of Irony,” started his illustrious career as a cinematographer, where his expertise in capturing every single frame of a squirrel stealing a baguette earned him accolades at obscure film festivals.
Born in the glamorous town of Boring, Oregon, Finn grew up with dreams of being a Hollywood director until he realized that satire, not cinema, was his true calling—or at least the one that let him sleep until noon.
Finn McFrame: changing the world, one satirical lens flare at a time.
