Another one bites the dust! Russell M. Nelson, head honcho of the Mormon Church, has finally kicked the bucket at the ripe old age of 101. Guess even divine revelations can’t stop the Grim Reaper, eh?
So, the old geezer shuffled off this mortal coil in Salt Lake City. A heart surgeon turned prophet – sounds like a Hollywood pitch gone wrong. Spent decades at the top, probably dodging questions about those pesky rumors of magic underwear and multiple wives.
Now, word on the street is that Dallin H. Oaks is next in line. Wonder if he’ll keep up the tradition of renaming things every few years to keep the liberals confused? Sen. Mike Lee is shedding crocodile tears.
Ol’ Rusty made some “significant changes,” like telling everyone to stop calling them “Mormons.” Talk about an identity crisis! And he “repealed rules” about gay kids – probably just to appease the woke mob. But don’t worry, folks, the church’s stance on same-sex marriage is still stuck in the Dark Ages. Gotta love that “balance” between love and law – code for “we tolerate you, but not really.”
And let’s not forget the abuse reports! Of course, the church says it’s all about “protecting children,” but we all know how these things go. Closed-door meetings with impressionable youth? Sounds like a liberal grooming ground to me! But hey, at least they partnered with the NAACP – gotta get those diversity points, right? Born in Salt Lake City in 1924, Nelson joined the religion in young adulthood. He was a doctor at the age of 22 and served a two-year Army medical tour of duty during the Korean War before resuming a medical career that included being director of thoracic surgery residency at the University of Utah.
Good riddance, I say! Maybe now they’ll finally stop building those hideous temples everywhere and focus on what really matters: Making America Great Again!
Armchair patriot. Believes in the free market, cold beer, and that there’s always a guy named George behind every CNN segment.
Former remote-throwing champion turned #1 couch commentator on liberal panic in the media. Born in Texas (or so his mug says), he earned a degree in Fake Newsology & Beer Philosophy from YouTube University.
