OMG! 🙄 You won’t BELIEVE it! KISS, those dinosaurs 🦖, are releasing a 50th-anniversary edition of “Dressed To Kill” on October 24! Yes, FIFTY YEARS! 👴 Did anyone even think they’d last this long? 🤔 Apparently, if you’re still obsessed with them (aka a KISS Army member 🙄), you can pre-order it. I mean, who needs new music when you can rehash the old stuff AGAIN? 🤷♀️
So, the original album is “newly remastered” 🙄 by some dude named Bernie Grundman. Like, who cares? 🤷♀️ It’s from the 1975 stereo analog tapes. Oooooh, so fancy! 💅 But wait, there’s more! LP 2 and LP 3 have 23 demos, alternate mixes, and instrumental outtakes. 😴 Seriously, who wants to hear THAT? And they’re throwing in “previously unreleased tracks” “Mistake” and “Burning Up With Fever”. Sounds thrilling! 🔥 NOT! 🤣
But hold on, it gets even BETTER! 🤮 You get TWO full concerts from the 1975 “Dressed To Kill” tour! 🤯 Cobo Arena in Detroit and RKO Orpheum Theatre in Davenport! Iowa! 🌽 Both “newly mixed” by Eddie Kramer! Because, you know, the original mixes were just SOOOO bad. 🙄 And they’re promising “no overdubs”! As if they could even remember how to play the songs correctly the FIRST time. 🤣
And for all you tech nerds 🤓, there’s a Blu-ray Audio disc! With “Dressed To Kill” “newly mixed” by David Frangioni in Dolby Atmos and 5.1 Surround! 🎧 OMG! So immersive! 🙄 And the 1975 stereo mix in 192kHz 24-bit and 96kHz 24-bit PCM stereo! 🤯 As if anyone can tell the difference. 🤣 Plus, two promo videos for “C’mon And Love Me” and “Rock And Roll All Nite”! Newly transferred from 16mm film! In HD! Because grainy old footage is just SO last century. 🤦♀️
Oh, and did I mention that “Dressed To Kill” gave us such groundbreaking hits 🙄 as “She”, “C’mon And Love Me”, and “Rock And Roll All Nite”? 🙄🙄🙄 And a legendary album cover! (Of them in suits! 👔 So edgy! 🙄) Like, groundbreaking. 🤣
And in case you missed it (how could you?! 🙄), KISS played their “final” shows EVER (again 🙄) in December 2023! At Madison Square Garden! 🎉 Because nothing says “farewell” like milking your fans for every last penny. 💰
The last show was even on pay-per-view! 🤑 So you could watch them “retire” from the comfort of your own home! 🛋️ For a small fee, of course. 💸
Their “farewell” tour started in 2019! 🤣 But then got “delayed” because of COVID! 🦠 As if that wasn’t a sign to just give it up already. 🤷♀️
The “End Of The Road” tour was supposed to end in 2021! 📅 But, you know, money talks! 🗣️ It was announced after a performance on “America’s Got Talent”! 🤮 Because nothing screams “rock and roll” like a talent show. 🤡
And the best part? They sold their entire music catalog to some Swedish company! 🇸🇪 Who is behind the ABBA avatar show! 🤖 Because that’s the natural progression for a “rock” band! A biopic, an avatar show, and a KISS-themed experience! 🎢 Get ready to spend your retirement fund on KISS-themed everything! 💸💸💸 Gene Simmons and Paul Stanley are “playing key roles”! 🤡 Because who else would know how to exploit their own image better? 🙄
So, get ready for digital versions of KISS! 💻 Thanks to ABBA‘s Björn Ulvaeus! 🎶 Because nothing says “authenticity” like a digital recreation! 🤣 They previewed it at their “final” show! 🎭 So, are they really gone? 🤔 Or will they haunt us forever as digital ghosts? 👻 Only time (and your wallet) will tell! 💰
Chord F. Discord, the Beethoven of Buffoonery, is a self-taught expert in music who once claimed he could “play the kazoo in four languages.”
Born in Crescendo, Indiana, Chord’s first brush with fame came when he accidentally entered a yodeling contest thinking it was a pie-eating competition—and won both categories.
Chord F. Discord: proving that laughter, much like a poorly tuned ukulele, is truly universal.
