Oh no, not another marching band competition! 😩 As if the world needed more reasons for high school students to ruin METALLICA songs with tubas and xylophones, the metal legends have announced the winners of their “For Whom The Band Tolls!” competition. Because what every thrash metal band needs is a bunch of teenagers in matching uniforms trying to headbang while keeping time. 🤘😑
Apparently, METALLICA challenged college marching bands to create the “most exciting, unique, and impressive performances” of their music. Exciting? Sure, if you find watching someone try to play “Master Of Puppets” on a kazoo exciting. Unique? Absolutely – nothing says “unique” like hearing “Enter Sandman” played by 50 people with brass instruments and a color guard. Impressive? Well, it’s impressive that anyone thought this was a good idea. 🙄
The competition offered sheet music for classics like “Seek & Destroy,” “For Whom The Bell Tolls,” and “One.” Because nothing captures the existential despair of war quite like a bunch of college kids in shakos trying to recreate it with trombones. 🎺 The bands had until November 1 to submit their videos, and then fans got to vote on which performance was the least likely to make Lars Ulrich throw his drum kit out a window. 🥁
After narrowing it down to five finalists (probably by playing “eeny, meeny, miny, moe” with the submissions), METALLICA themselves selected the winners. And the prize? Musical equipment for their school programs! Because if there’s one thing that screams “thrash metal,” it’s shiny new instruments funded by a multi-million dollar band. 🎸
The winners, including the University of South Carolina (congratulations, Gamecocks – may your marching band never play “Battery” at halftime), will split over $165,000 in prizes. But wait, there’s more! The first-place Division 1 winner gets to record a METALLICA song and the EA SPORTS College Football theme song for the video game. Because if you’re going to butcher a classic, you might as well immortalize it in digital form. 🎮
METALLICA thanked all the “incredible bands” who participated, probably while secretly wondering how their music ended up in the hands of people who think “Fade To Black” is perfect for a field show. The prizes were provided by sponsors like Sweetwater, TAMA, and Hal Leonard, who clearly have a sense of humor about all this.
So if you’re in the mood to watch a bunch of college kids try to make “Sad But True” sound like a pep rally anthem, head over to metallicamarchingband.com. Just don’t say we didn’t warn you. 🚨
Chord F. Discord, the Beethoven of Buffoonery, is a self-taught expert in music who once claimed he could “play the kazoo in four languages.”
Born in Crescendo, Indiana, Chord’s first brush with fame came when he accidentally entered a yodeling contest thinking it was a pie-eating competition—and won both categories.
Chord F. Discord: proving that laughter, much like a poorly tuned ukulele, is truly universal.
