While some major airports are struggling with long security lines due to the government shutdown, a select few are cruising through with nary a wait. How? They’ve outsourced their security to private companies!
That’s right, folks, while TSA agents are busy picketing for their back pay, airports like San Francisco International, Kansas City International, and Orlando Sanford are laughing all the way to the gate. Thanks to the TSA’s Screening Partnership Program, these airports have handed over the reins to private security firms who are apparently immune to the effects of a government shutdown.
According to Sheldon Jacobson, a professor who probably spends way too much time thinking about airport security, these 20 airports are “completely oblivious to the government shutdown.” I guess ignorance really is bliss!
VMD Corp., the company running the show in Kansas City and Orlando Sanford, even took to social media to brag about their speedy security lines. “Less than 3 minute lines,” they boasted. Meanwhile, at Houston’s George Bush Intercontinental and Atlanta’s Hartsfield-Jackson, travelers are lucky if they make their flight before the next ice age.
But let’s not forget the real heroes here: the TSA agents who are working without pay to keep us safe. Or at least, they would be if they weren’t busy not getting paid. It’s a good thing those private companies have stepped up to fill the void, even if it means sacrificing safety for efficiency.
As Nat Carmack of BOS Security so eloquently put it, “As a small business, it’s a burden, but we cover those payrolls until the government reopens and processes our invoices.” Isn’t capitalism great?
So the next time you’re breezing through security at one of these privatized airports, take a moment to thank the free market for keeping you safe. And if you happen to be stuck in a two-hour line at a TSA-run airport, just remember: it’s all part of the liberal agenda to make your travel experience as miserable as possible.
After all, if we can’t trust the government to run our airports, who can we trust? Certainly not those pesky Democrats with their fancy “oversight” and “regulations.” No, give me the good old-fashioned profit motive any day of the week!
And let’s not forget, before 9/11, all airport security was run by private companies. And look how well that turned out! But hey, who needs to learn from history when you’ve got the invisible hand of the market guiding you?
So here’s to the 20 airports that have managed to avoid the shutdown blues. May your lines remain short and your profits remain high. And to the rest of you suckers stuck with the TSA, better luck next time. Maybe if you vote Republican, you too can experience the joy of privatized security!
Armchair patriot. Believes in the free market, cold beer, and that there’s always a guy named George behind every CNN segment.
Former remote-throwing champion turned #1 couch commentator on liberal panic in the media. Born in Texas (or so his mug says), he earned a degree in Fake Newsology & Beer Philosophy from YouTube University.
