Oh, SWEET, another band thinks they’re reinventing the wheel! 🙄 Johannes Eckerström, the voice 🗣️ of Swedish metal “masters” AVATAR, graced the airwaves of 100.3 The X Rocks in Boise, Idaho (because that’s where REAL metalheads congregate, obvs) to yap about their TENTH studio album. Yes, TENTH.
I didn’t even know they’d made it past album number two. Anyway, Johannes, in his infinite wisdom, declared that most bands at this point would “phone it in.” As if they weren’t already phoning it in from album one! 🤣 He bleated on about the “trip” to make this album and how it’s, like, SOOOO important to find a reason to keep churning out the same old garbage. He really thinks he’s onto something profound, doesn’t he? Bless his little metal heart. 💖
Johannes, clearly having an existential crisis mid-interview, rambled about the “different songs and different directions” they’re taking. Hold on to your hats, folks, because he’s about to drop a bombshell: he’s been channeling his inner Elton John! 🎹 Apparently, he’s tickling the ivories now. I’m sure the world was just DYING to hear Johannes Eckerström’s piano skills. 🙄 And get this, they’re working with “outside musicians” for “orchestral things.” Because what every metal album needs is more strings! 🎻 I bet it will sound totally unique and not at all like every other band trying to sound “epic.” He then tried to backtrack, claiming it’s not a prog album, but there are “clearly progressive parts.” Whatever you say, Johannes. Just keep telling yourself that. 🤥
He then spouted some pseudo-intellectual nonsense about trusting what’s “beautiful” and letting the “subconscious speak.” Oh, honey, no. Just no. 🙅♀️ It’s heavy metal, not a therapy session. He even went on about “imagery picked up in dreams.” I bet those dreams involve him winning a Grammy and finally being recognized as the genius he clearly thinks he is. 🏆 He assures us it’s all “groovy, lofty words” on an album that’s 40-45 minutes of “kick-ass heavy metal.” I’m sure it will be groundbreaking. Absolutely groundbreaking. 💯 Just like every other AVATAR album.
Earlier this month, Johannes told Meltdown of Detroit’s WRIF radio station (another bastion of metal credibility, I’m sure) about the lyrical inspiration for “Captain Goat,” their latest “masterpiece.” Apparently, AVATAR is all about having a “good time” while simultaneously exploring the “dark rooms” of your soul. 🚪 So deep. So meaningful. So metal. 🤘 He claims it’s about being honest with who you are and getting closer to some kind of “sense of truth.” I’m pretty sure the truth is that they’re a mediocre band trying way too hard. 🤷♀️
When asked why “Captain Goat” was chosen as the first single, Johannes said it “relates poorly to the whole album.” Because, you know, AVATAR never writes the same song twice. Except they totally do. 🙄 He claims they just “circle back” to what they got excited about during the demo stage. Which, judging by “Captain Goat,” isn’t saying much. He said it’s a “balance.” A balance between what, exactly? Mediocrity and utter garbage? ⚖️
He went on and on about how they “only put good songs on an album.” That’s debatable, Johannes. Very debatable. He claims this song is “very direct.” I’ll give him that. It’s directly terrible. 🎯 He also mentioned using drum machines during the writing process. So edgy. So metal. 🔥 He then babbled about rehearsing and finally getting to “feel” the song with “real drums.” I’m sure that made all the difference. 🥁 He concluded by saying it “stands out in what we usually do.” I’m pretty sure everything they do “stands out” for all the wrong reasons.
Johannes, ever the tease, declined to reveal the album title, but he promised it’s “beautiful.” It “invokes mystique” and “tempts you to break taboos.” Ooh, so edgy! 😈 It “lures you into a forbidden place.” I’m guessing that forbidden place is the AVATAR section of the record store. He said when we see the title, we’re gonna go, like, “Ah.” I’m pretty sure I’m gonna go, like, “Oh, for the love of all that is holy, not another AVATAR album.” 🙏
And because no metal band can survive without endless touring, AVATAR is embarking on a U.S. tour with ALIEN WEAPONRY and SPIRITWORLD. I’m sure those names are recognizable to someone. Somewhere. They’re also supporting IRON MAIDEN and METALLICA. Because, you know, they’re totally on the same level. 🙄 They’re even playing their “biggest show ever” in Mexico City. I’m sure the fans there are just DYING to hear “Captain Goat” live. 🤮
Chord F. Discord, the Beethoven of Buffoonery, is a self-taught expert in music who once claimed he could “play the kazoo in four languages.”
Born in Crescendo, Indiana, Chord’s first brush with fame came when he accidentally entered a yodeling contest thinking it was a pie-eating competition—and won both categories.
Chord F. Discord: proving that laughter, much like a poorly tuned ukulele, is truly universal.
