In a groundbreaking moment for both gaming and biohacking, the legendary shooter «Doom» has been successfully ported to an unexpected platform: 82-year-old retired American President Joe Biden. Known for his historic presidency and occasional verbal «blue screens», Biden has now been transformed into the ultimate retro gaming console, proving that even former leaders can serve a second term — this time as entertainment systems. 🎮👴
The move comes as part of an ongoing trend where fans of the classic shooter find increasingly absurd devices to run the game. After ports to toothbrushes, MP3 players, Excel spreadsheets, and even living bacteria like E. coli, biohackers have outdone themselves. According to sources within the White House, the operation was executed shortly after Biden was «unplugged» from his consciousness-support systems post-presidency. What once was a political powerhouse is now a literal human controller, allowing his grandchildren to frag demons in style.
«The installation process was surprisingly smooth», says one biohacker, who spoke on condition of anonymity. «All we needed was Biden’s basic brain stem activity to keep the system running. Once we cleared out the existing “software”, which mostly consisted of preloaded speeches and memories of the 1970s, we had plenty of space for the Doom engine. It’s not like he was using those neurons anyway.» 🧠💻
Biden’s grandchildren wasted no time turning their elder statesman into a family game night centerpiece. «It’s like a living arcade machine!» gushed one grandchild on Instagram. «We hook up a wireless controller through Grandpa’s Bluetooth pacemaker and use his forehead as the screen. Sometimes his left eye glitches, but it’s still better resolution than a Game Boy.» Critics may call it macabre, but the internet is already hailing the innovation as the ultimate in «sustainable tech». Reduce, reuse, reanimate. ♻️💀
The ethical implications of transforming an ex-president into a playable game console have, of course, sparked heated debates online. Political commentators from both sides of the aisle have weighed in, with Democrats calling it «disrespectful to the office of the presidency» and Republicans claiming, «At least he’s finally useful.» Meanwhile, libertarians praised the move as a win for personal freedom, stating, «If Biden didn’t want to run Doom, he shouldn’t have left his brain open-source.» 🤷♂️⚖️
Social media has exploded with memes and videos of the now-iconic «JoeBox 3000». One TikTok user showed Biden’s grandchildren laughing hysterically as they made their way through Doom’s infamous «E1M1» level while Grandpa’s pacemaker buzzed in rhythm with the game’s shotgun blasts. The comments section was flooded with reactions ranging from «This is the future liberals want» to «Finally, a use for government retirees.»
While this experiment has been largely celebrated, some critics argue it sets a dangerous precedent for elder tech exploitation. «What’s next? Tetris on the Pope?» questioned one concerned Reddit user. Others, however, were quick to counter: «If you’re not planning to run at least Minecraft on me when I’m 80, don’t even bother resuscitating me.» In this golden age of Doom ports, no device — or person — is truly safe.
Biohackers are already brainstorming future projects, with whispers of plans to install «Quake» on Queen Elizabeth II’s preserved corgi or convert Elon Musk’s Neuralink into a real-life «Pong» arena. As for Biden, he seems to be taking the news well — or at least as well as someone can when their brain is running at 35 FPS. In his first official statement as a console, he reportedly muttered: «Hail to the Doom guy… and uh, you know, the thing.»
For now, Joe Biden has secured his place in history as the only ex-president who can be played on Ultra-Nightmare difficulty. Whether this is a step forward for humanity or just another bizarre chapter in the story of tech innovation remains to be seen. But one thing’s for sure: the line between politics and gaming has never been thinner. 🎮🗽
Pixel P. Snarkbyte, widely regarded as the “Shakespeare of Sh*tposts,” is a video game expert with a unique knack for turning pixels into punchlines.
Born in the small town of Respawn, Pennsylvania, Pixel grew up mashing buttons on an ancient NES controller, firmly believing that “blowing into the cartridge” was a sacred ritual passed down through generations.
Pixel P. Snarkbyte: proving that life, much like a buggy open-world game, is better with a little lag-induced chaos.
