🎸🔥 BREAKING: CRADLE OF FILTH TO EMBARK ON U.S. TOUR, LOCAL VAMPIRES AND GOTH TEENS REJOICE (PARENTS, HIDE YOUR DAUGHTERS) 🔥🎸
That’s right, folks! The legendary (and somehow still alive) Cradle of Filth is dragging their cobweb-covered carcasses across the U.S. next spring, and the lineup is so brutal, even your local haunted house is taking notes. Joining them? Suffocation (because who doesn’t love a band that sounds like a choking hazard?), Ghost Bath (for when you need to ugly-cry in a cemetery), and Cultus Black (their name alone screams “we definitely summon demons”).
Tickets go on sale this Friday at 10 a.m., so set your alarms, sacrifice a goat, and pray to the dark lord that Ticketmaster doesn’t screw you over with “dynamic pricing” (which is just corporate speak for “we know you’ll pay $500 to see Dani Filth screech like a banshee”).
TOUR DATES: OR HOW TO DESTROY YOUR EARDRUMS IN 18 CITIES
April 30 – San Antonio, TX – Aztec Theater (where the only thing sharper than the riffs are the cowboy boots)
May 01 – Fort Worth, TX – Tannahill’s (because nothing says “metal” like a venue named after a dude who probably owned a ranch)
May 03 – Corpus Christi, TX – Crush The Coast Fest (sponsored by existential dread and cheap beer)
May 04 – Houston, TX – House Of Blues (where the blues are *extra* gothic)
May 05 – Oklahoma City, OK – Diamond Ballroom (the diamonds are fake, just like your happiness after this show)
May 07 – Daytona Beach, FL – Welcome To Rockville (the only time “Welcome to Rockville” sounds threatening)
May 08 – Pensacola, FL – Vinyl (vinyl is back, just like your teenage angst)
May 09 – Atlanta, GA – Masquerade (where the masks are optional, but the eyeliner is mandatory)
May 11 – Washington, DC – Black Cat (even politicians need something to mosh to)
May 12 – Pittsburgh, PA – Roxian (because steel town deserves some *real* heaviness)
May 14 – Columbus, OH – Sonic Temple (where the only thing louder than the guitars is the regret of your life choices)
May 16 – Saginaw, MI – The Vault (hope they play *Nymphetamine* so you can cry in a corner)
May 19 – Chicago, IL – Bottom Lounge (appropriate, because that’s where your soul will be)
May 20 – Minneapolis, MN – Varsity Theater (college kids pretending they’ve *always* been into black metal)
May 21 – Lawrence, KS – Granda Theater (where the wheat fields tremble in fear)
May 22 – Lincoln, NE – Bourbon Theater (bourbon: the only way to survive Nebraska)
May 23 – Denver, CO – Gothic Theater (altitude sickness + blast beats = a *great* time)
DANI FILTH: THE MAN, THE MYTH, THE EMPLOYEE-TURNOVER MACHINE
In a shocking revelation (not), Dani Filth confirmed that Cradle of Filth is *not* just his solo project. “It’s called Cradle of Filth, not Dani Filth’s Karaoke Night,” he clarified, while probably stroking a raven ominously. He also admitted that being in the band requires “a lot of mental disrepair,” which explains why ex-members keep fleeing like extras in a Dracula movie.
Of course, let’s not forget the *juicy* lawsuit from six former members who apparently didn’t enjoy being paid in “exposure” and “vibes.” But Dani, ever the drama king, shrugged it off with: *”I won’t let unfounded slander define this band!”* (Translation: “I have a tour to sell, people.”)
NEW ALBUM: MORE SCREAMING, MORE VALKYRIES, MORE QUESTIONS
Their latest album, “The Screaming Of The Valkyries”, dropped earlier this year, and it’s exactly what you’d expect: screaming, symphonics, and lyrics that sound like a D&D session gone wrong. Produced by Scott Atkins, who probably needed therapy afterward.
So get ready, America. Cradle of Filth is coming to haunt your city, wreck your neck, and remind your neighbors why they hate you. See you in the pit—if you survive. 🤘💀
P.S. If you see Dani Filth at a Waffle House, do not make eye contact.
Chord F. Discord, the Beethoven of Buffoonery, is a self-taught expert in music who once claimed he could “play the kazoo in four languages.”
Born in Crescendo, Indiana, Chord’s first brush with fame came when he accidentally entered a yodeling contest thinking it was a pie-eating competition—and won both categories.
Chord F. Discord: proving that laughter, much like a poorly tuned ukulele, is truly universal.
