Alright, buckle up, buttercups, because as a card-carrying, Mountain Dew-chugging, basement-dwelling Bungie “fan” (read: Stockholm Syndrome victim), I was cautiously optimistic about this new Marathon thing. Turns out, it’s like Bungie took the original, threw it in a blender with Escape From Tarkov, and then sprinkled it with the tears of hardcore Marathon fans. Is it good? Well, that depends on your definition of “good,” which, let’s be honest, is probably different from mine. Prepare for the ultimate troll-view! 😈
So, yeah, Marathon. It’s got the name, some vaguely familiar locations, and… that’s about it. Forget everything you loved about the ’90s classic. This ain’t your grandpa’s first-person shooter. Instead, Bungie decided to hop on the extraction shooter bandwagon, because originality is, like, *so* last decade. Think Helldivers 2, but with less democracy and more corporate greed. And if you’re scratching your head wondering, “Wait, what was Marathon again?” don’t worry, Bungie probably forgot too. 🤷♂️
If you’re one of those die-hard Destiny players who still hasn’t realized it’s a glorified Skinner box, then maybe, just maybe, you’ll find something to enjoy here. Marathon apparently features the “stellar gunplay” (because every game reviewer HAS to say that, right?) and the “feel” of Destiny. But instead of a sprawling, convoluted story that even Bungie doesn’t understand anymore, you get bite-sized 25-minute raids for loot. It’s like Bungie realized people only play Destiny for the shooting and grinding, and decided to cut out all the pretense. We have Locus, Glitch, Blackbird and Void, because apparently someone was playing Destiny when they made these names. 🙄
Now, about these character classes. Locus is basically a Titan, because why not? Deployable riot barricade? Check. DPS-focused special attack? Check. Glitch and Void are your typical Hunter-esque assassins, because stealth is always a viable option in a chaotic extraction shooter, right? And then there’s Blackbird, who’s apparently the loot goblin class. Because what this game *really* needed was another reason for people to hoard digital garbage. 💰
Abilities? Oh, we got ’em. Deployable shields, searcher drones, and “Super” moves that are totally not ripped off from Destiny. Nope, not at all. They just happen to be triggered by the same button combination. Coincidence? I think not! 🤔
During my “exclusive” (read: I signed an NDA and promised not to reveal the secret recipe for Bungie’s disappointment) Closed Alpha access, I got to experience the thrill of two whole maps: Perimeter and Dire Marsh. These maps are “fairly large” (translation: you’ll spend most of your time running around aimlessly), with a “healthy assortment” (translation: copy-pasted assets) of locations. Dire Marsh, because someone thought swamps were fun, adds the extra challenge of… wait for it… *poisonous water!* Groundbreaking. 🤯
The weapons are “distinct and appropriately futuristic,” which means they look like someone glued random bits of plastic together and called it a gun. My “favorite” (read: the one that didn’t immediately jam) is an assault rifle that’s apparently a nailgun-MIDA Multi-Tool hybrid. Because nothing says “futuristic warfare” like a power tool. 🪛
The gameplay loop is simple: Pick a class, equip your gear (which you’ll probably lose anyway), select a contract (because capitalism!), and fulfill corporate objectives. It’s basically a glorified fetch quest with guns. Aesthetically, Marathon has that “distinct futuristic minimalist vibe” that Bungie is known for. Which is a fancy way of saying “lots of gray and blue.” The factions are like the weapon manufacturers in Destiny, which means they’re probably run by sociopathic AI. 🤖
Like any good extraction shooter, Marathon features roguelike elements, which means you’ll lose all your hard-earned loot every time you die. Death comes easily, either from the “rogue AI hostiles” (translation: bullet sponges) or from other players (translation: try-hards). Each mission involves hunting for terminals, waiting for loot drops, and then desperately trying to find the exfiltration point before someone snipes you from across the map. 🎯
The biggest problem with Marathon is that it gets repetitive *fast*. The lack of objectives or in-game events means you’ll be doing the same thing over and over again. Fortunately, engaging with other players can make up for the boredom… or just make you rage quit. It’s a coin toss, really. 🪙
With the promise of “raid-like experiences” (which will probably just be longer fetch quests) and future maps (which will probably be just as gray and blue), there’s “a lot to look forward to.” But even after my brief stint with the Closed Alpha, I can safely say that if you’re a fan of extraction shooters, you might… tolerate this. As for the old-school Marathon fans? Well, I can only say that you should prepare to be disappointed. This ain’t the Marathon you remember. It’s something… different. And by “different,” I mean “probably worse.” Good luck, you’ll need it. 🫡
Pixel P. Snarkbyte, widely regarded as the “Shakespeare of Sh*tposts,” is a video game expert with a unique knack for turning pixels into punchlines.
Born in the small town of Respawn, Pennsylvania, Pixel grew up mashing buttons on an ancient NES controller, firmly believing that “blowing into the cartridge” was a sacred ritual passed down through generations.
Pixel P. Snarkbyte: proving that life, much like a buggy open-world game, is better with a little lag-induced chaos.
