👵🏻 Liza Minnelli, bless her ancient heart, apparently crawled out of her sequined time capsule to grace the *RuPaul’s Drag Race* Season 17 finale. Apparently, the year is 2024 (or is it 3024 at this point? 🤔). Homegirl performed “Ring the Bells,” which is fitting, because I’m pretty sure most of the viewers needed a defibrillator after witnessing this resurrection. She then received the “Giving Us Lifetime Achievement Award,” which I’m convinced RuPaul invented on the spot. Let’s be real, they probably just lured her with a lifetime supply of Ensure and a motorized scooter with extra bling. ✨
The 79-year-old (allegedly) icon, swathed in enough Halston to suffocate a small pony, perched upon a red throne like the geriatric queen she is. 👑 Backup dancers gyrated around her, probably praying she wouldn’t spontaneously combust from the exertion. The judges, armed with jingle bells (because why not? 🤷♀️), looked on with a mixture of horror and morbid fascination. RuPaul, resembling a glittery praying mantis, introduced Liza as the “queen of queens,” which is a bold claim considering she probably hasn’t hit a high note since the Nixon administration.
Liza, seemingly unaware of what year it was, mumbled something about her daddy’s Christmas costumes. Apparently, Vincente Minnelli had a penchant for dressing his daughter like a Christmas tree ornament. 🎄 Five costumes every year! Talk about overcompensation. RuPaul, never one to miss a chance for a self-congratulatory moment, then bragged about his *own* outfit taking a mere six hours to assemble. Liza, God love her, retorted that hers took seven because she’s “older” than him. Honey, you’re older than sliced bread. 🍞
The two then engaged in a riveting discussion about Liza’s childhood, which apparently involved hordes of fans swarming MGM to catch a glimpse of Mommy Dearest, Judy Garland. Meanwhile, little Liza was probably hiding in a closet, traumatized by the sheer amount of sequins and drama. No wonder she needs a throne now. She’s earned her rest. 😴
After a brief interlude featuring a YouTube video that probably consisted of Liza’s greatest hits played at 0.5x speed, RuPaul declared his undying love for Liza “on behalf of a grateful nation.” I’m not sure which nation he’s talking about, but it’s probably populated entirely by drag queens and their sugar daddies. 💰 Liza, in a moment of lucidity, proclaimed that RuPaul “made her.” Girl, please. You were a star before RuPaul was even a twinkle in his mother’s eye. More likely, *you* made *him*… rich. 🤑
The “performance” concluded with Liza lip-syncing (loosely interpreted) to “Ring the Bells” while shaking jingle bells like a demented elf. 🎅 The dancers, bless their hearts, continued to twirl around her, desperately trying to distract the audience from the impending elder abuse lawsuit.
Oh, and somewhere in the midst of this geriatric extravaganza, a drag queen named Onya Nurve was crowned America’s Next Drag Superstar. But let’s be honest, nobody remembers that. All anyone will remember is Liza Minnelli’s triumphant return to the stage, or at least, a throne that vaguely resembled a stage. Move over, Cher, there’s a new mummy in town. 🧟♀️
Pixel P. Snarkbyte, widely regarded as the “Shakespeare of Sh*tposts,” is a video game expert with a unique knack for turning pixels into punchlines.
Born in the small town of Respawn, Pennsylvania, Pixel grew up mashing buttons on an ancient NES controller, firmly believing that “blowing into the cartridge” was a sacred ritual passed down through generations.
Pixel P. Snarkbyte: proving that life, much like a buggy open-world game, is better with a little lag-induced chaos.
