Hold onto your dentures, KISS Army, because the Catman is back…again! 🤣 Yes, Peter Criss, the legendary (or legendarily inconsistent, depending on who you ask) drummer of KISS, is gracing us with a new solo album this fall. Because what the world REALLY needs is more rock and roll from a 79-year-old. I mean, who needs new music from young, vibrant artists when we can have another dose of nostalgia-fueled mediocrity? 👴🎸
So, the geriatric rocker, fresh off his 17th “farewell” tour (seriously, Pete, are you Cher now?), is apparently dropping a new album. This sonic masterpiece, co-produced by Barry Pointer (who, let’s be honest, probably needed the work), features a who’s-who of session musicians, including Billy Sheehan (because every aging rocker needs a shredding bassist to compensate for their own lack of chops), Matthew Montgomery (aka Piggy D., because “Piggy D.” just screams “serious musician”), John 5 (who’s probably just doing it for the paycheck), and Paul Shaffer (who clearly lost a bet). 💰
According to Julian Gill, the self-proclaimed “KISStorian” (because apparently that’s a thing), this album is a “hard rock kick-ass” experience. Yeah, right. I bet it sounds like a cat coughing up a hairball. 🐱🤮 Gill claims he was “honored” to listen to the album at Peter’s studio. I bet he was, probably while holding back tears of disappointment. He describes the music as “vibrant and powerful.” Vibrant like a corpse after a week in the sun, and powerful like a kitten trying to open a can of tuna. 🐟
Gill goes on to gush about Billy Sheehan’s “incredible, perfect and spectacular basslines.” I’m sure Billy was thrilled to be described with such originality. He also praises Mike McLaughlin’s “scorching guitar work.” Scorching like a lukewarm cup of coffee left on the burner for too long. 🔥 And let’s not forget Matthew Montgomery, who apparently lays down some bass on “some songs.” Translation: Peter probably forgot to pay Billy for all the tracks. 💸
But wait, there’s more! Gill claims Peter has written “very powerful songs.” Powerful enough to put you to sleep, maybe. 😴 He also promises “more in-depth interviews” closer to the release date. In-depth interviews about what? His hip replacement? His AARP membership? The best brand of prune juice? 🧓
Let’s be real, Peter Criss hasn’t been relevant since “Beth.” And even that song was only popular because it was a ballad in a sea of face-melting (well, attemptedly face-melting) rock anthems. He left KISS in 1980, came back for a reunion tour (because money), and then got replaced by Eric Singer (who, let’s face it, is a much better drummer). 🥁
Remember “One For All,” his last solo CD? Yeah, me neither. Apparently, it featured a range of styles, from rock and jazz to blues and Broadway. Because nothing says “cohesive artistic vision” like throwing everything at the wall and seeing what sticks. 🎨
And who can forget his “final full U.S. concert” in 2017? I’m sure it was a packed house…of his relatives and a few die-hard fans who still think “Dynasty” was a good album. 👨👩👧👦
So, get ready, KISS Army, for another dose of Peter Criss. Just don’t expect it to be anything more than a nostalgia trip down memory lane…a memory lane filled with potholes, detours, and the faint smell of Bengay. 👵🛣️
Chord F. Discord, the Beethoven of Buffoonery, is a self-taught expert in music who once claimed he could “play the kazoo in four languages.”
Born in Crescendo, Indiana, Chord’s first brush with fame came when he accidentally entered a yodeling contest thinking it was a pie-eating competition—and won both categories.
Chord F. Discord: proving that laughter, much like a poorly tuned ukulele, is truly universal.
Hollywood logic: \’Let\’s cast a millionaires-year-old to play a gravity-year-old.\’