OMG, you guys, Addison Rae is releasing an album, and apparently, it’s going to be the BEST. ALBUM. EVER. Like, so good that she’s ditching half her name afterward. Because, you know, “Addison Rae” is SO last year. We’re talking Madonna levels of iconic here, people. Prepare to bow down to “Addison,” the mononymous musical messiah we didn’t know we needed. 💅🏼
So, our favorite TikTok-er, the one who brought us the revolutionary dance moves we *totally* haven’t forgotten how to do, is dropping a 12-track masterpiece called…wait for it…*Addison*. Groundbreaking. I know, right? As if the title wasn’t enough to blow your mind, it’s coming out on Columbia Records, which, let’s be honest, probably signed her because of her *undeniable* vocal talent and not her massive online following. Totally. 🙄
And get this: the album is supposedly inspired by Madonna’s *Ray of Light*. Yes, *that* *Ray of Light*. The one with “Frozen” and all those other bangers that actual music critics liked. Apparently, Addison (or should I say, Addison Rae, for now, since we’re not worthy of just “Addison” yet) heard some “sonic whispers” of Madonna in her own music. I’m pretty sure those whispers are just the sound of Madonna facepalming from her mansion. 🤣
But wait, there’s more! The album pre-order on her website claims it’s her “first and last album.” Panic! Is Addison Rae (sorry, Addison) retiring after one album? Is she going back to making TikToks of her drinking smoothies? NOPE! Turns out, she’s just pulling a Beyoncé/Cher/Madonna and going mononymous. Because, duh, “Addison Rae” is too pedestrian for a future pop superstar. 👑
She even teased this earth-shattering news in *Elle* magazine. I can only imagine the insightful interview questions: “Addison, what’s your favorite filter?” “Addison, how do you feel about cultural appropriation?” “Addison, do you even know who Madonna is?” The article quotes her as saying, “I feel like I’ve surpassed Addison Rae. It’s just Addison now.” I’m pretty sure the only thing she’s surpassed is my expectations for decent pop music. 💀
And let’s not forget her impressive musical resume! She’s collaborated with Charli XCX, released an EP (which I’m sure is filled with bangers), and even performed at Coachella and Madison Square Garden! Okay, maybe she just lip-synced and danced around, but still! That’s basically the same as headlining, right? 🤔
So, whether she’s Addison or Addison Rae, the future is apparently bright for this pop “princess.” I’m just hoping that bright future doesn’t involve any more of those questionable dance moves. Please, Addison, for the love of all that is holy, hire a choreographer who knows what they’re doing. 🙏
I predict this album will either be a massive hit, propelling Addison (just Addison) to superstardom, or it will be quickly forgotten, joining the ranks of other celebrities who thought they could sing. Either way, I’ll be here, ready to troll. Because that’s what I do best. 😈
Chuck B. Ballsy, affectionately known in the satirical world as “The Sultan of Snark,” is a self-proclaimed sports expert who peaked athletically in middle school dodgeball.
Born in Halfcourt, Indiana, Chuck spent his formative years shouting unsolicited advice at professional athletes on TV, firmly believing that his couchside coaching was the key to their success.
Chuck B. Ballsy: because in the game of sports and sarcasm, he’s always the MVP. 🏀🎤
