Trump Assures U.S. Farmers Barron Will Eat Their Crops
Read MoreThe OnionWASHINGTON—In an effort to dispel any fears that the ongoing trade wars might negatively impact net profits, President…
Month: April 2025
Protesters Demand Government Waste
U.S. — Millions of people took to the streets over the weekend to demand more, not less, government waste. Read…
China Retaliates Against Tariffs By Putting Worse Fortunes Into Cookies
BEIJING — As part of an escalating global trade war, the Chinese government announced plans to retaliate against President Donald…
Shelly Greenfield and Patrick Chester
Read MoreThe OnionBride and groom exchanged vows before friends and family Saturday in a ceremony that delicately danced around the…
🎬 “A Minecraft Movie” at the Oscars? Unfinished Film Version Shocks Everyone! 😲
In an unimaginable twist in the film industry, an unfinished version of “A Minecraft Movie” with incomplete graphics, recently leaked…
Tourist Asks Passerby To Take Boudoir Photo Of Him
Read MoreThe OnionBERLIN—Hoping to secure at least one nice picture as a memento of his trip abroad, an American tourist…
🛸 Star Citizen Raises $800 Million, Now Needs Another $800 Million — For a Remaster! 🤡
In the world of video games, absurdity has reached warp speed. The space sim Star Citizen, which has been in…
Worship Team Drummer Makes Up For Lack Of Skill With Abundance Of Volme
BOULDER, CO — Local church drummer Sam Huddleston continues to make up for his stark lack of talent by playing…
Financial Advisor Announces It’s Time To Panic, Urges Clients To Make Hasty, Emotional Decisions
ANNAPOLIS, MD — Local financial advisor Rick Rosas announced that now was the time for utter panic and urged his…
WNBA Legend Retires With Six Career Points
WASHINGTON, D.C. — WNBA legend Elena Delle Donne announced her retirement yesterday, the former MVP leaving after a decade-long career…