Marvel, in their infinite wisdom (or lack thereof ๐คก), has pulled the ultimate rug-pull! Remember ‘Thunderbolts*’? Yeah, well, scratch that! It’s now officially ‘The New Avengers’! ๐คฃ I’m not even kidding. They actually thought we wouldn’t notice the massive bait-and-switch. As if we’re all just mindless drones consuming whatever slop Feige throws our way. ๐
So, apparently, that little asterisk next to ‘Thunderbolts*’ was a HUGE secret, a mystery for the ages! ๐ต๏ธโโ๏ธ Like, we were all losing sleep wondering what it meant. Was it a typo? A secret code? Nope! It was just Marvel’s way of saying, “Surprise! You thought you were getting a gritty, anti-hero team-up? Nope! Here’s some more of the same old Avengers formula! ๐คช”
And get this, they waited until the movie was *out* to reveal the “shocking” twist. ๐คฏ Like we’re all supposed to be gasping and clutching our pearls. “Oh my god! It’s ‘The New Avengers’! I’m so surprised! I totally didn’t see that coming from a mile away! ๐”
Sebastian Stan (aka the Winter Soldier, who’s probably regretting his life choices at this point ๐ฅถ) was even caught on camera plastering the new poster over a bus stop. Talk about a downgrade! From assassin toโฆposter boy? ๐คฆโโ๏ธ Maybe he should just stick to brooding in the corner.
But don’t worry, folks! You can still call it ‘Thunderbolts*’ if you want. Because, let’s be real, ‘The New Avengers’ is just a marketing ploy to trick casual moviegoers into thinking this is something they’ve seen before. It’s like slapping the Avengers logo on a turd and hoping people will eat it up. ๐ฉ
Speaking of eating it up, the movie actually did okay at the box office. ๐ฐ Probably because people are still clinging to the hope that Marvel can recapture the glory days. Bless their hearts. ๐ It made a whopping $162.1 million worldwide! ๐ค That’s enough to buy Kevin Feige another yacht! ๐ฅ๏ธ
So, what’s the plot, you ask? Oh, just the same old song and dance. Bad guys forced to be good guys, blah blah blah, save the world, blah blah blah. ๐ด I’m sure there’s a MacGuffin involved somewhere. Probably some glowing space rock that everyone wants. ๐
And of course, these “New Avengers” will be back in ‘Avengers: Doomsday’! Because why not? Milk that cow until it’s dry, Marvel! ๐๐จ
In conclusion, ‘Thunderbolts*’ aka ‘The New Avengers’ is just another example of Marvel playing it safe and pandering to the lowest common denominator. ๐ But hey, at least we got a good laugh out of it. ๐ Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go rewatch ‘The Dark Knight’ and remind myself what a *real* superhero movie looks like. ๐ฆ๐
Finn McFrame, celebrated satirical mastermind and self-proclaimed “Emperor of Irony,” started his illustrious career as a cinematographer, where his expertise in capturing every single frame of a squirrel stealing a baguette earned him accolades at obscure film festivals.
Born in the glamorous town of Boring, Oregon, Finn grew up with dreams of being a Hollywood director until he realized that satire, not cinema, was his true callingโor at least the one that let him sleep until noon.
Finn McFrame: changing the world, one satirical lens flare at a time.
