OMG! 😱 Did you hear? David Draiman, the guy who screams about “Down with the Sickness” (which, let’s be honest, is how we all feel after listening to it for 2 minutes), just proposed to his girlfriend, Sarah Uli, ON STAGE! 🎤🎸 Talk about a cringe-worthy power move. I bet she’s THRILLED to have her personal moment broadcast to thousands of sweaty metalheads. 🤘🤮
So, apparently, this earth-shattering event happened during DISTURBED’s “The Sickness 25th Anniversary Tour” (because who *hasn’t* been clamoring for that?). Before launching into the deep, philosophical depths of “The Light” (a song so profound, it could probably cure world hunger… or not), Draiman decided to pull Sarah Uli, a woman with a resume longer than my attention span, onto the stage.
And what did he say? Oh, just the usual drivel: “You make my life better,” “light in the darkness,” “pinnacle of my existence.” Gag me with a spoon 🥄. It’s like he copy-pasted the first result from a Google search for “romantic proposal speech.” Did he even TRY to be original? Probably not.
Then came the ring. 💍 (Probably from a pawn shop, let’s be real). Down on one knee he went, asking the age-old question: “Sarah Uli, will you marry me?” She said yes! (Duh, who would say no in front of that many people? 🙄 Peer pressure, much?). He then informed the crowd, “In case you didn’t hear, she said ‘yes’.” Because apparently, metalheads aren’t known for their acute hearing. 👂🚫
After that touching moment, he dismissed her with a casual, “Go ahead and join the rest of your family, sweetheart.” So romantic! 🥰 I bet she felt SO special. Like a prized show dog being put back in its kennel. 🐩
Now, let’s dive into the juicy details. Draiman and Uli went public with their relationship in January 2024. That’s less than a year after he announced his divorce. Speedy recovery, Dave! 💨 Guess he’s really good at “Down with the *ex*-sickness.” 🤣
Speaking of Uli, let’s talk about her impressive career history. According to TheOrg.com (because who *doesn’t* check out their future spouse’s org chart?), she’s been a sales manager, a senior nightlife manager, a marketing contractor for Samsung and Marlboro (talk about diverse!), a territory sales manager at Reynolds American Inc., a regional account executive at AstroNova, Inc., a model account manager at secure staffing, a senior sales account manager at JDI Distribution, and currently, an account executive at eSpeakers. Basically, she’s had more jobs than I’ve had hot dinners. 🍽️ Maybe she can teach Draiman a thing or two about career stability. 🤔
Oh, and she’s “passionate about being healthy and living life to its fullest.” So, you know, the usual. She also loves to travel, see new places, be in the sun, at the beach, and spend time with her puppy, Raya. Basic, much? 🐕☀️🌊 Sounds like the perfect match for a guy who screams for a living. 🤷♀️
But wait, there’s more! Remember Draiman’s Tinder escapades? 😂 Apparently, it was an “absolute shitshow.” Scammers, grifters, fakes, and phonies galore! He even complained about it on Twitter (because where else would a rock star air his dating woes?). 🐦
One fan even dared to suggest that Draiman couldn’t get laid anymore. 💀 Draiman, bless his heart, responded with: “I can get laid anytime I want if I’m willing to drop my standards, but my standards are quite high, and I won’t dishonor myself that way.” Oh, the humility! 🙏 He’s not just looking for *any* woman, he’s looking for the *RIGHT* woman. And apparently, Sarah Uli fits the bill. Or at least, she’s willing to put up with his onstage antics. 🤡
Let’s not forget the divorce! In April 2023, Draiman finalized his divorce from his wife of 11 years, Lena Draiman. He described himself as “heartbroken” and “very lost” and assured everyone that there was “no infidelity” involved. Because, you know, that’s always the first thing people suspect.
Chord F. Discord, the Beethoven of Buffoonery, is a self-taught expert in music who once claimed he could “play the kazoo in four languages.”
Born in Crescendo, Indiana, Chord’s first brush with fame came when he accidentally entered a yodeling contest thinking it was a pie-eating competition—and won both categories.
Chord F. Discord: proving that laughter, much like a poorly tuned ukulele, is truly universal.
