Oh, look, another “AAA” studio trying to milk a beloved IP for all it’s worth! 🙄 Remedy Entertainment, bless their hearts, is back with *FBC: Firebreak*, a “smaller in-scope” (read: cheaper to make) co-op shooter piggybacking off the *Control* universe. Because, you know, what *Control* REALLY needed was to be turned into *Left 4 Dead* with sticky notes. 🧻🔥
So, apparently, *FBC: Firebreak* takes place six whole years after Jesse Faden became Director. The Oldest House is now under “quarantine lockdown” because…reasons. Mostly because they needed an excuse for you and two of your least favorite friends to shoot the same Hiss enemies for hours on end. I’m sure the story will be DEEP and MEANINGFUL, just like the lore in *Fortnite*. 📖🤔
You play as part of the “Firebreak Initiative,” which sounds like something HR came up with after a particularly bad office fire drill. Your job? Clean up the Hiss. Groundbreaking stuff, really. 🧽✨ Remedy is patting themselves on the back because *FBC: Firebreak* is “built from the ground up not to waste the players’ time.” Yeah, right. That’s why it’s a co-op shooter with “Requestions” (aka loot boxes) and “Classified Requestions” (aka SUPER loot boxes). They’re just trying to save you time by extracting all your money upfront. 💰💸
Instead of a “convoluted class system,” we get “Crisis Kits.” Genius! It’s like classes, but with a fancy marketing name. You got the Jump Kit (pogo stick enthusiast), the Splash Kit (professional water blaster), and the Fix Kit (wrench-wielding maniac). Sounds balanced and engaging. I’m already picturing the speedruns. 🛠️💦🦘
The Jump Kit comes with an “Electro-kinetic charge impacter,” which is just a fancy way of saying “electric pogo stick.” It stuns enemies and jump-starts…power stations? Because that’s EXACTLY what I want to be doing in a paranormal crisis. ⚡️🤸
The Splash Kit is all about “hosing down enemies.” Because nothing says “intense combat” like playing a glorified janitor. And the Fix Kit? Oh, they “bludgeon baddies in satisfyingly over-the-top animations.” So, basically, you’re playing as a disgruntled plumber with anger issues. 🪠😠
But wait, there’s more! Each kit comes with “altered augments,” which are basically super attacks. The Piggy Bank augment adds “additional shrapnel” to your wrench. Because who doesn’t love exploding wrenches? And the Garden Gnome augment creates a “supercharged storm” for the Jumper Kit. I’m not even going to try to understand that one. 🤯🌪️
The guns are “precise and weighty,” like every other shooter ever made. And the gameplay is “faster and looser than *Control*,” which means they dumbed it down for the masses. It’s “almost reminiscent of greats like *Left 4 Dead*,” except without the charm, replayability, or zombies that don’t look like they’re made of the stuff that comes out of your nose after a cold. 🤧🧟
Now, let’s talk about the levels. We’ve got “Hot Fix,” where you repair fans in the Maintenance Sector. Riveting! It even has a “minigame reminiscent of calling in ordnance in *Helldivers 2*.” So, it’s a blatant rip-off. Got it. ⚙️🕹️
Then there’s “Paper Chase,” where you fight Hiss made of sticky notes. Yes, you read that right. STICKY NOTES. This is the kind of creative genius we’re dealing with here, folks. It’s like *Splatoon* and *Powerwash Simulator* had a baby, and that baby was raised by a Hiss-infected office supply store. 🏢📝
Finally, we have “Ground Control,” where you collect “astral leeches” and launch them into space. Because that’s totally a logical solution to a paranormal crisis. Just yeet the interdimensional parasites into the void! 🚀🕳️
Oh, and there are “washing/bathing areas” spread across the map. Because hygiene is paramount when you’re fighting interdimensional threats. These act as your primary means of healing. The tension as you wait for the shower to start…*chef’s kiss*. 🚿🤌
So, after two whole hours of playing a “pre-release build,” the reviewer can “comfortably say that Remedy is cooking up a fun co-op shooter.” I’m sure it’ll be a blast…for the first hour. Then you’ll realize you’re just doing the same thing over and over again for slightly different cosmetic rewards. But hey, at least it’s “unburdened by the baggage often associated with Gaas-style games.” Except for the loot boxes, the repetitive gameplay, and the constant need for online connection. But other than that, totally baggage-free! 🥳🎉
Pixel P. Snarkbyte, widely regarded as the “Shakespeare of Sh*tposts,” is a video game expert with a unique knack for turning pixels into punchlines.
Born in the small town of Respawn, Pennsylvania, Pixel grew up mashing buttons on an ancient NES controller, firmly believing that “blowing into the cartridge” was a sacred ritual passed down through generations.
Pixel P. Snarkbyte: proving that life, much like a buggy open-world game, is better with a little lag-induced chaos.
