OMG! ๐ฑ Kelly Clarkson, bless her heart, is back with a new single called “Where Have You Been,” and it’s basically a musical therapy session about her divorce. ๐ I mean, who didn’t see that coming? It’s not like she was going to write a bop about rainbows and unicorns after splitting from Brandon Blackstock, right? ๐
So, the song is all about believing in love again after being abandoned. Groundbreaking! ๐ “You say you’re sorry / But where was that when I needed you the most?” she wails. Like, duh, Kelly, he was probably busy spending all your money! ๐ธ Just kidding… mostly. ๐ But seriously, it’s pretty obvious this song is about her divorce. It’s not like she’s singing about losing her car keys, people! ๐
And get this, “Where Have You Been” is her first independent release on her own label, High Road Records. High Road? More like “Highway to Heartbreak,” am I right? ๐ But hey, good for her for taking control of her career and milking her divorce for all it’s worth! ๐ค
She even went on *Today With Jenna and Friends* (who are they, even? ๐ค) and said she’s “hopeful” she’ll find love again. Oh, Kelly, honey, just download Tinder like the rest of us! ๐ฑ And of course, her kids are her “priority.” As if we didn’t know that already! ๐
Now, let’s dissect these lyrics, shall we?
“I like my freedom but I’d trade some for a kiss.” ๐ Translation: “I’m single and ready to mingle, but I also miss having someone to make out with.” Fair enough.
“Little do you know how long I’ve been waitin’ for this.” Waitin’ for what, Kelly? The divorce to be final? A decent song to write? The possibilities are endless! ๐คทโโ๏ธ
“When it came to my hopes, well, they left, skies I won’t miss.” Okay, that’s actually kind of poetic. But also, dramatic much? ๐
“I was getting so lonely I didn’t count on, count on this.” Oh, the loneliness! ๐ญ Someone get this woman a puppy! ๐ถ Or a vibrator. Whatever works.
And then the chorus: “Where have you been? / What took so long? / I thought I’d found you / Found out I was wrong.” Translation: “Why are all men trash? ๐๏ธ” We’ve all been there, Kelly.
“I felt it from the moment you walked in the room (Ah-ah) / Nothing could keep my eyes from driftin’ over to you (Ah-ah).” Okay, this is getting a little too *Hallmark Movie* for me. ๐คฎ
“When it came to the wild love, I wondered what it meant / And then you show up making me beliะตve again.” “Wild love”? What is she, a teenager? Grow up, Kelly! ๐คฃ
The bridge is just a bunch of “Ah-ah”s. ๐ฃ๏ธ Very insightful. Very deep. Truly the work of a lyrical genius. NOT! ๐คช
So, yeah, that’s “Where Have You Been” in a nutshell. It’s basically Kelly Clarkson airing her dirty laundry in song form, and we’re all here for the drama! ๐ฟ Will it win a Grammy? Probably. Will it make me cry? Maybe, if I’m drunk enough. ๐ป Will it change the world? Absolutely not. But hey, at least it’s something to talk about, right? ๐
Chuck B. Ballsy, affectionately known in the satirical world as โThe Sultan of Snark,โ is a self-proclaimed sports expert who peaked athletically in middle school dodgeball.
Born in Halfcourt, Indiana, Chuck spent his formative years shouting unsolicited advice at professional athletes on TV, firmly believing that his couchside coaching was the key to their success.
Chuck B. Ballsy: because in the game of sports and sarcasm, heโs always the MVP. ๐๐ค
