OH. MY. GOD. 🙄 The geniuses at A24, the studio that brought you such cinematic masterpieces as… uh… *checks notes*… some movies that your film bro friend REALLY liked, are teaming up with FromSoftware to grace us with an *Elden Ring* live-action film. I can already smell the Oscar buzz… or maybe that’s just my microwave popcorn.🍿
So, apparently, *Elden Ring* is getting a movie adaptation, because why not? I mean, who *wouldn’t* want to see a three-hour film of some dude rolling around in the dirt, getting one-shotted by Malenia for the 700th time? 🤣 Bandai Namco and A24 are joining forces, probably to suck all the joy out of the game and repackage it as “high art” for the masses. And the mastermind behind this potential trainwreck? None other than Alex Garland.
Oh, Alex Garland, you say? The guy who wrote *DmC: Devil May Cry*? Yeah, that *DmC: Devil May Cry*. The one that all the *Devil May Cry* fans totally loved and definitely didn’t try to erase from their memories. That’s the guy we’re trusting to bring the nuanced storytelling of *Elden Ring* to the big screen. Makes perfect sense. 👍 He also directed *Annihilation* which was great. Garland is also known for *Ex Machina* and *Warfare* – two titles that will likely be in the upcoming movie.
And let’s not forget the other creative genius attached to this project: George R.R. Martin. You know, the guy who’s been “totally almost done” with *The Winds of Winter* for, like, a decade? I’m sure he’ll have plenty of time to dedicate to this film adaptation, ensuring that it’s as faithful to the source material as possible. By which I mean, he’ll probably write a 20-page backstory for some random NPC that gets killed off in the first five minutes. 💀
But hey, at least they’re getting some “experienced” producers on board, like Peter Rice, Andrew Macdonald, and Allon Reich. I have no idea who these people are, but their names sound important, so they must be good at their jobs. Probably. Maybe. 🤔
The article mentions that FromSoftware wasn’t involved with the *Armored Core* episode of *Secret Level* on Prime Video. Gee, I wonder why? Maybe because they have standards? Or maybe because they realized that turning their games into mediocre TV shows is a terrible idea? Who knows! 🤷♀️
Of course, there are no casting choices, plot details, or anything else of substance to report at this time. But don’t worry, CGMagazine will keep us “informed” on all the thrilling developments. Like when they announce that Jar Jar Binks will be playing Ranni the Witch. Or that the entire film will be shot in black and white, with no dialogue, and a runtime of 12 hours. 😴
Honestly, I’m just waiting for the inevitable outrage when they inevitably screw up the lore, misrepresent the characters, and turn *Elden Ring* into another generic fantasy film. But hey, at least we’ll have plenty of memes to laugh at. 😂
In the meantime, I’m going to go back to playing the game, where I can at least control my own destiny (and repeatedly die in hilarious ways). Good luck to everyone involved in this film adaptation. You’re going to need it. 🙏
Oh, and one more thing: if they don’t include the “Try finger, but hole” message in the movie, I’m boycotting it. 😤
Pixel P. Snarkbyte, widely regarded as the “Shakespeare of Sh*tposts,” is a video game expert with a unique knack for turning pixels into punchlines.
Born in the small town of Respawn, Pennsylvania, Pixel grew up mashing buttons on an ancient NES controller, firmly believing that “blowing into the cartridge” was a sacred ritual passed down through generations.
Pixel P. Snarkbyte: proving that life, much like a buggy open-world game, is better with a little lag-induced chaos.
