Netflix is gracing us, the unwashed masses, with Barbarian, a cinematic masterpiece so terrifying, it’s been scientifically proven to make your grandma spill her tea ☕. Apparently, it has a ‘jaw-dropping plot twist’ that left fans ‘screaming’. Yeah, right. I bet those ‘fans’ also think Crocs are high fashion. Prepare to be mildly inconvenienced, not scared.
So, Barbarian (because the title alone screams originality 🙄) is hitting Netflix UK on June 14th, after already traumatizing (or boring, let’s be real) US subscribers. It used to haunt the digital halls of Disney+ and Hulu, but apparently, even Mickey Mouse couldn’t handle its earth-shattering plot twists. Now it’s slumming it on Netflix, probably right next to that Adam Sandler movie you pretend you don’t watch.
This cinematic triumph is the brainchild of Zach Cregger, who’s apparently following it up with Weapons, a mystery horror film that’s already generating ‘buzz’. I’m sure it’s totally organic buzz and not just manufactured hype from studio execs desperate to recoup their investment. Cregger is also rebooting Resident Evil, because what this franchise really needed was *another* reboot. 🧟
Anyway, back to *Barbarian*. The plot, as if it matters, is about a young woman who discovers her Airbnb is double-booked. Gasp! 😱 But wait, there’s more! Turns out, there’s something even scarier than sharing a cramped space with a stranger: shudders… a poorly written screenplay.
Despite her better judgment (which, let’s face it, is already questionable if she’s using Airbnb), she decides to stay. Because, you know, logic. The cast includes Georgina Campbell, Bill Skarsgård (aka Pennywise, who’s probably regretting his career choices), and Justin Long (who’s probably just happy to have a job).
Critics, those paragons of taste, gave it a 92% rating on Rotten Tomatoes. Which either means the movie is genuinely good, or the critics were paid off. 🤔 I’m leaning towards the latter. The studio was super secretive about the plot, because nothing builds hype like hiding the fact that your movie is probably garbage.
The ending, predictably, is ‘twist-laden’. Some found it ‘baffling’, others enjoyed ‘dissecting the intricate details’. I’m guessing the ‘intricate details’ involve a rubber monster and a plot hole big enough to drive a truck through. 🕳️
One ‘fan’ gushed: “Went in with no real idea of the plot.. and just.. solid through and through.” Translation: “I was drunk and easily entertained.” Another proclaimed: “One of the scariest movies ever. Tense as hell and wildly entertaining.” Translation: “I haven’t seen a real horror movie in my life.” 🙄
Another ‘enthusiastic viewer’ (probably a paid shill) raved: “Barbarian is a masterpiece. It’s one of the most unique horror films I’ve seen in a very long time.” Translation: “I’m contractually obligated to say nice things about this movie.” They continued: “From its unsettling atmosphere to its jaw-dropping plot twist, the film keeps you on edge, constantly subverting expectations.” Translation: “It’s got some dim lighting and a jump scare every ten minutes.” 🔦
They concluded: “The plot twist? Absolutely mind-blowing! Just when you think you have the film figured out, it flips everything on its head in the most shocking and disturbing way.” Translation: “The plot twist makes absolutely no sense and contradicts everything that came before.” 🤯
One fan even claimed: “Screamed out loud watching this movie, clever storyline and great jump scares!” Translation: “I have the jump scares sensitivity of a toddler”. 👶
Barbarian is gracing Netflix from June 14th. Prepare to be underwhelmed. 😴
Finn McFrame, celebrated satirical mastermind and self-proclaimed “Emperor of Irony,” started his illustrious career as a cinematographer, where his expertise in capturing every single frame of a squirrel stealing a baguette earned him accolades at obscure film festivals.
Born in the glamorous town of Boring, Oregon, Finn grew up with dreams of being a Hollywood director until he realized that satire, not cinema, was his true calling—or at least the one that let him sleep until noon.
Finn McFrame: changing the world, one satirical lens flare at a time.
