Belinda Carlisle, bless her heart, is apparently still at it. She’s dropping a new album called Once Upon A Time In California, because, you know, we haven’t heard enough about California. 🙄 Is this a desperate attempt to stay relevant? Probably.
Following the lukewarm reception of her 2023 EP Kismet (who even remembers that?) and the mildly catchy single Big Big Love (more like Big Big Meh), Belinda is now taking us on a “deeply personal journey” through the “golden sounds of her youth.” Translation: she’s raiding the bargain bin of nostalgia and hoping something sticks. It’s a “heartfelt tribute” to vintage pop culture, which basically means she’s covering songs that were already old when she was young. 😴
Belinda, bless her soul, says, “I was born and raised in California at a time when music was an important part of Californian culture.” Oh, really? We thought music was invented in, like, 2010. She lived and breathed music, apparently, as a “great escape – a refuge of fantasy and imagination.” So, basically, she spent her childhood with her headphones on, avoiding reality. Relatable, but not exactly groundbreaking. 🤷♀️
“This collection of songs is the best representation of what I loved back then that I could think of – listening to it brings back so many memories of a time and a California that doesn’t really exist anymore.” No, honey, California exists. It’s just filled with overpriced coffee and influencers now. “There was an innocence and energy back then that was unique and magical.” Or maybe you were just young and naive. 🤔
Once Upon A Time In California was recorded in Los Angeles, because where else would a washed-up pop star record an album about California? It was produced by Gabe Lopez, who worked with Belinda on her 2017 snoozefest, Wilder Shores. Great, so we know what to expect: more elevator music. 😴
It’s a “carefully curated and beautifully realised salute” to Belinda’s “personal education in pop music.” In other words, she’s covering songs she liked as a kid. Groundbreaking stuff. 🙄
The LP opens with a “stirring remake” of Burt Bacharach & Hal David gem written for Dionne Warwick, Anyone Who Had A Heart. Because nothing says “originality” like covering a classic. She then “pays her respects” to such “timeless artists” as the Carpenters (Superstar), Gordon Lightfoot (If You Could Read My Mind), and Jim Croce (Time In A Bottle). Translation: she’s hoping their fans will accidentally buy her album. 🤑
The result is an “entirely different kind of Californian dreaming for a new generation.” No, it’s the same kind of Californian dreaming, just repackaged for people who weren’t alive the first time around. 🙄 Although this marks the first time all 10 tracks have been available on one album, three of them have been available on previous Belinda Carlisle collections. So, basically, she’s recycling her own garbage. ♻️
Included among the 10 tracks is the lead single The Air That I Breathe, a rework of The Hollies’ hit. Because why write something new when you can just butcher a classic? 🔪
Here’s the tracklisting, in case you’re a masochist:
Anyone Who Had A Heart
If You Could Read My Mind
One
Never My Love
The Air That I Breathe
Time In A Bottle
Superstar
Everybody’s Talkin’
Get Together
Reflections Of My Life
Set for release on 29 August via Demon Music, because even the major labels wouldn’t touch this with a ten-foot pole, Once Upon A Time In California will be available on CD, vinyl including picture discs, and digital formats. Because who doesn’t want a picture of Belinda on a vinyl record? Available to pre-order now, because they’re clearly desperate. 🤡
In addition to the album release, Belinda is embarking on her “Heavenly Hits” tour in the UK. “Heavenly Hits?” More like “Heavily Discounted Tickets.” She’ll be hitting up a few festivals and then playing some smaller venues for the die-hard fans who haven’t given up on her yet. 🤷♀️
Chord F. Discord, the Beethoven of Buffoonery, is a self-taught expert in music who once claimed he could “play the kazoo in four languages.”
Born in Crescendo, Indiana, Chord’s first brush with fame came when he accidentally entered a yodeling contest thinking it was a pie-eating competition—and won both categories.
Chord F. Discord: proving that laughter, much like a poorly tuned ukulele, is truly universal.
