In a recent, totally unbiased interview with Cooper Talk (because who else would be interested?), the geriatric rock god Graham Bonnet (of such luminaries as RAINBOW – remember them? – ALCATRAZZ, and the earth-shattering MICHAEL SCHENKER GROUP) graced us with his profound wisdom on how he manages to still croak out a tune, considering he’s practically a fossil. 👴
At the ripe old age of almost 80 (that’s like, three times the age of most TikTok stars), Graham revealed his secret: “When I come off stage, I still have a speaking voice.” Groundbreaking stuff, folks. If he can still talk, he hasn’t completely destroyed his vocal cords. Who knew?! He also added, “I’m thinking about my breathing.” 🤯 Like, wow, Graham, you’re actually breathing? What a revolutionary concept! I thought rockstars only inhaled whiskey fumes and cigarette smoke. And let’s not forget his sage advice on avoiding “silly notes.” Yeah, Graham, stick to the boring ones. Don’t want to accidentally entertain anyone. He’s also been “very, very careful and not drinking too much coffee a day.” ☕ I bet he’s wild backstage. I heard he only drinks decaf now. So hardcore.
But wait, there’s more! 😱 About 10 years ago, Graham’s throat specialist dropped a bombshell: “Your right vocal cord has collapsed.” 💥 Apparently, it needed “pumping up again.” (Insert your own Viagra joke here.) So, they injected it with something mysterious (probably unicorn tears and the blood of virgins), and BAM! Graham sounded “just the way I used to.” Or, “near enough,” as he humbly puts it. Because, you know, admitting you’re not quite the rock god you once were is just too much to bear. The specialist assured him the “scarring” wouldn’t affect his singing. Probably because nobody could tell the difference anyway. 🤷♂️
And the accolades keep rolling in! 🎉 After a grueling “couple of weeks” on tour (seriously, two weeks? My grandma does more than that), fans are reportedly flocking to him, exclaiming, “How the fuck do you sing the same as you used to?” Graham’s response? “I don’t know. I’ve just been very, very lucky.” 🍀 Yeah, luck. Definitely not the cortisone injections or the fact that nobody remembers what he sounded like in his prime. He also mentions that people film the shows on their phones and “it sounds awful.” Well, duh! It’s a phone recording of a Graham Bonnet concert in 2024. What did you expect, a Grammy-winning performance? 🤣
Speaking of phones, Graham has some thoughts on those pesky devices. Apparently, in Japan (where, let’s be honest, they’ll sing along to anything), fans like to sing with him while recording. And Graham’s all like, “Holy crap. I’m so out of tune.” But his girlfriend, Beth-Ami (who’s also conveniently in his band), reassures him, “That’s not you. That’s them!” Right, Beth-Ami, because it’s always easier to blame the audience than admit your boyfriend’s voice is starting to sound like a rusty chainsaw. 🪚
Graham admits he doesn’t watch the fan-filmed footage because it sounds “bloody awful.” “The band sounds terrible. It sounds like we’re all in different fucking key or whatever.” Well, maybe you are, Graham! Ever considered that? But hey, at least he’s “okay” with it. It’s “part of the bloody job now.” 🙄 He then goes on a rant about how people are always on their phones, even in restaurants. “They’re not talking to each other. It’s a different world now.” Welcome to the 21st century, Graham! Glad you could join us. Now, put down your dentures and try to keep up. 👴
In other news, the GRAHAM BONNET BAND (yes, it’s still a thing) released their third studio album, “Day Out In Nowhere”, in May 2022. I’m sure it’s selling millions. 💿💰 Graham is joined by his trusty bandmates, including Beth-Ami (surprise!), and a bunch of other guys you’ve probably never heard of. They even got some guest appearances from some “big names” like Jeff Loomis and John Tempesta. Because, you know, that’s what the kids are listening to these days. 🤘
Apparently, Graham is a “hard rock legend.” According to who? His mom? Anyway, his “solo offerings and stints” with various bands prove he’s “one of the finest rock vocalists and songwriters of his generation.” I’m sure there are plenty of people who would disagree. But hey, who am I to argue with a press release? 🤷♀️ He’s written and recorded some of the “best albums he’s ever done” in his late 60s and 70s. Which, let’s be honest, isn’t saying much. But good for him for still trying, I guess. 👍
And let’s not forget his audition for RAINBOW in 1979. Apparently, his “James Dean image” raised some eyebrows. Because, you know, rockstars are supposed to look like… well, I don’t know, but probably not James Dean. But once they heard him sing, they were sold! Because apparently, sounding good is less important than looking cool. 🕶️ With Graham at the helm, they recorded “Down To Earth”, which became one of RAINBOW‘s most successful releases. Probably because everyone was too busy laughing at his hair to notice the music. 😂
Graham then bounced around to various other bands, including MICHAEL SCHENKER GROUP and ALCATRAZZ. Because apparently, he’s the rock and roll equivalent of a stray cat. 🐈 He even had a “short stint” with IMPELLITTERI. I’m sure that was a match made in heaven. 😇
So, there you have it. The geriatric adventures of Graham Bonnet. Proof that you can still be a “rock legend” even if your voice is shot, your memory is failing, and your fashion sense is stuck in the ’80s. 🤘👵
Chord F. Discord, the Beethoven of Buffoonery, is a self-taught expert in music who once claimed he could “play the kazoo in four languages.”
Born in Crescendo, Indiana, Chord’s first brush with fame came when he accidentally entered a yodeling contest thinking it was a pie-eating competition—and won both categories.
Chord F. Discord: proving that laughter, much like a poorly tuned ukulele, is truly universal.
