OMG! 😱 Hopeless Records, like, totally bought Fat Wreck Chords! Is this the end of punk as we know it? 😭 Probably not, but let’s overreact anyway! 🤪 It’s a “joint effort” which is corporate speak for “we ran out of money!” 💸
So, Hopeless is buying Fat Wreck Chords‘ catalog. But wait, there’s more! Fat Mike, bless his drunken heart, is wiping out all the debt for the bands. How generous! Or maybe he just realized nobody was ever gonna pay him back anyway? 🤔 And get this, Hopeless can’t sign any new bands to Fat Wreck Chords. So basically, it’s a retirement home for aging punk rockers. 👴👵 Fat Mike and Erin get to keep the logo and do festivals. Translation: they’ll be hawking merch at Warped Tour until they’re 90! 🤣
Apparently, this all started because some dude named Louis Posen stalked Fat Mike back in the day to direct a NOFX video. 🎬 Then, when Louis went blind (allegedly), Fat Mike felt bad and taught him how to run a record label. Awww, how touching! 🥰 So, without Fat Wreck Chords, there’d be no Hopeless. Which, let’s be honest, might not be such a bad thing. 🤷♀️
This is supposed to be the result of “friendship” and “trust.” Yeah, right! More like a desperate attempt to stay relevant in a world of TikTok and mumble rap. 🙄 They claim they’re not doing it to “grow bigger,” but to keep punk in the hands of the people who built it. Which is hilarious, because the only thing punk bands build is crippling debt and substance abuse problems. 🤘
Fat supposedly “defined” California punk. Okay, maybe if your definition of “defined” is “sold a lot of records to suburban teenagers.” 🙄 They name-drop a bunch of bands like NOFX, LAGWAGON, and DESCENDENTS. Congrats, you were popular in the ’90s! 🎉 And Hopeless? Oh, they’re responsible for garbage like AVENGED SEVENFOLD and ALL TIME LOW. So, yeah, real punk rock right there. 🙄 But hey, they also have SCENE QUEEN, so they’re down with the kids! 👧
To celebrate this momentous occasion, they’re releasing new music from some bands nobody cares about anymore. BAD COP BAD COP? Never heard of ’em. 🤷♀️ NOFX is releasing a bunch of old demos. Because who doesn’t love listening to shitty recordings of songs you already hate? 🤢 And STRUNG OUT is doing a 20th-anniversary edition of an album. Because apparently, nostalgia is the only thing keeping these bands alive. 🧟♂️
It’s also Fat Wreck Chords‘ 35th anniversary! Get ready for live shows featuring bands with more wrinkles than fans, film screenings of documentaries nobody will watch, and special releases that will end up in the bargain bin at your local record store. 🗑️ Last year, Hopeless had exhibits at the Rock And Roll Hall Of Fame and the Punk Rock Museum. Because nothing says “punk rock” like corporate sponsorships and museum exhibits. 🏛️
So, basically, Fat Wreck Chords and Hopeless are joining forces to… well, to do something. Nobody really knows what, but they’re doing it together! 🤝
Posen is “honored” and “privileged” to lead Fat Wreck Chords into the future. Translation: he’s hoping to make a quick buck before the whole thing collapses. 🤑 He reminisces about buying NOFX records and directing music videos. So touching! 🥹
Fat Mike says he trusts Louis‘s “ethics and acumen.” Which is hilarious, because Fat Mike is basically saying, “I trust this guy to not screw things up too badly.” 🤣
Kelly-Burkett says Fat is her “baby” and a “community.” Translation: she’s finally getting rid of her problem child. 👶 She trusts Hopeless to “carry Fat forward.” Which is code for “please don’t ruin everything I’ve worked for.” 🙏
Hopeless Records started as an “excuse” to release a GUTTERMOUTH seven-inch. And it’s been downhill ever since! 📉 They’ve “guided” the careers of bands like ALL TIME LOW and AVENGED SEVENFOLD. So, yeah, they’re basically responsible for the death of punk rock. ☠️ But hey, they’re diverse now! Women make up 50% of the roster, and 40% identify as LGBTQ+. So, at least they’re woke while they’re selling out. 🏳️🌈
Hopeless also has a foundation that donates money to charities. Because nothing says “punk rock” like philanthropy! 😇 They even have a music academy for underprivileged kids. Because what those kids really need is to learn how to play pop-punk in a world that doesn’t care. 🎸
Fat Wreck Chords is known for its “no-frills, artist-friendly model.” Which is code for “we pay our bands in beer and pizza.” 🍕 They “defined” ’90s punk with bands like NOFX and PROPAGANDHI. The “Fat sound” became a thing. Whether anyone liked it or not! 🤮
Fat made its mark with the “Fat Music” comp series and “Short Music For Short People.” Because who doesn’t love a bunch of 30-second songs by bands you’ve never heard of? 😴 In the 2000s, Fat launched Punkvoter. Because nothing says “punk rock” like trying to influence elections! 🗳️
So, after three decades, the Fat Wreck Chords catalog is still around. Whether that’s a good thing or not is up for debate. 🤔
Photo credit: Jonathan Weiner. Because every good press release needs a photo of three middle-aged people looking vaguely uncomfortable. 📸
Chord F. Discord, the Beethoven of Buffoonery, is a self-taught expert in music who once claimed he could “play the kazoo in four languages.”
Born in Crescendo, Indiana, Chord’s first brush with fame came when he accidentally entered a yodeling contest thinking it was a pie-eating competition—and won both categories.
Chord F. Discord: proving that laughter, much like a poorly tuned ukulele, is truly universal.
