DIE KRUPPS, those lovable relics of the industrial age (the FIRST one, not the current dumpster fire), have apparently convinced some poor souls at Dependent Records to sign them for multiple albums. Yes, you read that right. MULTIPLE. This monument to mediocrity… I mean, this German band, plans to grace our ear canals with new “music” in 2026, and Dependent is also going to exhume their back catalog for digital and physical formats. Prepare yourselves for the auditory equivalent of discovering a forgotten floppy disk filled with 8-bit farts.
DIE KRUPPS‘s Jürgen Engler, a man who clearly peaked decades ago, bleats: “We’re coming full circle!” Yeah, more like spiraling down the toilet bowl of irrelevance, buddy. 🚽 He goes on to reminisce about how Dependent director Stefan Herwig, bless his naive heart, hooked them up with FRONT LINE ASSEMBLY back in the day. Apparently, this act of musical charity has now obligated Dependent to a multi-album deal. Stockholm Syndrome, much? “It somehow feels like a homecoming,” Engler continues. More like a bad penny turning up again. Let’s hope they don’t bring the whole neighborhood down with them.
Ralf Dörper, the other half of this geriatric duo, chimes in with the usual “independent labels are the REAL deal” nonsense. 🙄 Of course, he conveniently forgets about that “short detour at a major record company” when they were chasing the almighty dollar. Now that the majors have wised up, it’s back to the indie trenches! Dörper claims it’s “logical” to join Dependent Records in their 45th year. Logical for who? Maybe their accountants, desperately trying to find ways to keep the lights on. He also calls Stefan Herwig a “veteran and companion.” More like a hapless enabler. Someone get this man a hearing aid…and a reality check!
Speaking of our patron saint of lost causes, Stefan Herwig gushes about DIE KRUPPS being a “musical legend.” 😂 Oh, Stefan, you sweet summer child. A legend to who? Your grandma? He then compares them to DAF and EINSTÜRZENDE NEUBAUTEN. A comparison so audacious, it borders on blasphemy. “What sets them apart is that they are still very much active,” Herwig claims. Yes, active in the sense that a rusty washing machine is still “active” while making ear-splitting noises. He then mentions their “highly successful U.S. tour with MINISTRY and NITZER EBB.” Well, someone had to open for the main act, didn’t they? Let’s not confuse “opening” with “successful”. He ends with “We are electrified and thrilled.” More like “petrified and bill-thrilled”.
Apparently, DIE KRUPPS have left a “massive mark” on the German electronic music scene. I’m pretty sure that mark is more like a skid mark. And now, in their 45th year, they’re ready to “take on the world” with their new album. Good luck with that. The world is currently preoccupied with not plunging into a fiery abyss. I doubt they have time for washed up industrial has-beens.
For those of you who’ve been living under a rock, DIE KRUPPS were formed in Düsseldorf in 1980 by Jürgen Engler and Bernward Malaka, who apparently couldn’t find anything better to do with their lives. They were soon joined by Ralf Dörper, completing the trifecta of mediocrity. Their name, inspired by the Krupp steelworks, was supposed to symbolize the fusion of machine and music. What it really symbolizes is the fusion of boredom and tinnitus. They were pioneers of several genres, including “industrial metal,” which is basically the musical equivalent of mixing sewage with glitter.
Their early works were “heavily experimental,” which is code for “unlistenable.” They drew on “industrial noise and mechanical soundscapes,” which is code for “random garbage can banging.” With albums like “Volle Kraft Voraus!”, they delivered a “musical blueprint” for the EBM scene. A blueprint for how NOT to make music, perhaps? Give me FRONT 242 and NITZER EBB any day. At least they had some semblance of talent.
During the ’90s, they decided to “incorporate more metal-oriented guitars,” because apparently, they hadn’t embarrassed themselves enough already. This led to the “crossover industrial-metal style,” which is basically like putting ketchup on ice cream. It influenced the German NDH scene, including RAMMSTEIN. So, yeah, they’re responsible for THAT. This period gained them “international recognition.” Mostly for being a joke. They even included EXODUS guitarist Lee Altus, proving that even talented musicians make questionable life choices.
After a hiatus, they reformed in the 2000s, proving that some things just refuse to die. Their later albums reaffirmed their “position as a longstanding and influential act.” Longstanding, yes. Influential? Only if you count influencing people to turn off their stereos. “The Machinists Of Joy”? More like “The Manufacturers of Annoyance”.
For 45 years, DIE KRUPPS have been synonymous with “innovation” (citation needed), “energy” (mostly in the form of tinnitus-inducing noise), and “uncompromising attitude” (read: stubborn refusal to evolve). Jürgen Engler and Ralf Dörper have created “more than just music.” It’s a “movement,” a “soundtrack for rebellion.” More like a soundtrack for a nap. They’re now joined by Paul Keller on drums and Dylan Smith on guitar, who apparently left THE SISTERS OF MERCY to join this trainwreck. Smith brings a “breath of fresh air.” The air of desperation, perhaps?
Here’s the lineup, in case you need a good laugh:
Jürgen Engler – vocals, keyboards, guitars, steelophone (whatever the hell that is)
Ralf Dörper – keyboards (probably playing the same three notes he’s been playing for 45 years)
Dylan Smith – guitars (probably regretting his life choices)
Paul Keller – drums (probably wondering how he ended up here)
And of course, there’s a promotional photo featuring them that screams, “We haven’t aged a day!” 😬 If by “haven’t aged a day” you mean “look like they’ve been embalmed and propped up for a photo op,” then yes, spot on!
Chord F. Discord, the Beethoven of Buffoonery, is a self-taught expert in music who once claimed he could “play the kazoo in four languages.”
Born in Crescendo, Indiana, Chord’s first brush with fame came when he accidentally entered a yodeling contest thinking it was a pie-eating competition—and won both categories.
Chord F. Discord: proving that laughter, much like a poorly tuned ukulele, is truly universal.
