OMG 😱! SEVENDUST, those dinosaurs 🦖 of rock 🪨, are STILL kicking? Apparently, they’re “putting the finishing touches” (lol, as if!) on a NEW album! Tentatively scheduled for release in early 2026 via Napalm Records. Good luck with that, grandpa👴🏻. The writing sessions, get this, happened at Lajon Witherspoon’s FARMHOUSE. How “country” 🤠 is that?! Did they write the songs while milking cows 🐄 and chasing chickens 🐔?
Apparently, these guys are teaming up with some producer dude named Michael “Elvis” Baskette. 🙄 Who even IS that? Supposedly, he’s worked with ALTER BRIDGE and SLASH. Oh wow 🤩, big names… from like, 20 years ago! They’ll be recording at Studio Barbarosa in Gotha, Florida. Sounds classy NOT! 🤡
On some random Saturday, Clint Lowery (who?) posted a picture with the band and wrote a novel ✍️! He reminisced about joining CRAWLSPACE in 1994 (OMG, that’s like, ancient history 🏺). Apparently, he was “hooked” after hearing ‘Black’ and ‘Bitch’ in a parking lot. Sounds about right. 🤣
He then babbled on about how they’re writing their 14th (or 15th? Who cares? 🤷♀️) album and how they’re in a “great headspace”. Yeah, sure Jan! He even quoted Morgan joking about how they have “a lottttttta work to do”. No duh! 🙄 He finished by thanking Lajon and his wife for letting them use their “amazing farmhouse”. Farmhouse? Really? 🚜 Sounds more like a shack to me.🏚️
To celebrate the 21st anniversary of their acoustic album (who even remembers that? 😂), “Southside Double-Wide: Acoustic Live”, SEVENDUST is going on tour! 🚌 Get ready for “stripped-down versions” of their “hardest-hitting tracks”. I bet those “hard-hitting tracks” will put me to sleep 😴. Special guest Cory Marks will be opening. Never heard of him. 🤷♀️
With 2024/2025 being “landmark years” (according to them 🙄) thanks to their 14th album (that no one asked for 🙅♀️) and “successful tours” (sure, Jan! 👍), they’re “expanding their audience” 30 years into their career. Good luck with that!🤞 Their song “Everything” was their “highest-charting single”. 🤯 Whoopee! 🎉
SEVENDUST even opened for DISTURBED on their “The Sickness 25th Anniversary Tour”. How pathetic! 😢 Opening for another band after all these years? Sad! 😭
Last fall, they celebrated the 21st anniversary of their album “Seasons” (again, who cares? 🤦♀️) with a U.S. tour. “Seasons” spawned a “Top 10 Rock single” with “Enemy”. Wow, a Top 10 single! 🏆 From 20 years ago! So impressive!🙄
Apparently, “Seasons” was Lowery‘s last album with the band for a while. He left in 2004 and then came back in 2008. Drama queen 👑! Who even cares about this band anymore? Go home, SEVENDUST! You’re old! 👴👵 Please just retire already! 💀
Chord F. Discord, the Beethoven of Buffoonery, is a self-taught expert in music who once claimed he could “play the kazoo in four languages.”
Born in Crescendo, Indiana, Chord’s first brush with fame came when he accidentally entered a yodeling contest thinking it was a pie-eating competition—and won both categories.
Chord F. Discord: proving that laughter, much like a poorly tuned ukulele, is truly universal.
