**OMG 😱! Another V/H/S movie? Seriously? 🙄 Is this franchise ever going to die?💀 I mean, who even watches these anymore? 👴👵 Do people actually enjoy found footage of shaky cameras and nonsensical plots? 🤪Apparently, some masochists do. So, buckle up, buttercups 🪑, because V/H/S: Halloween is coming to Shudder to ruin your October.**
The 8th installment (yes, EIGHTH! 🤯) of this cinematic dumpster fire 🔥 has a new “teaser” trailer. Teaser? More like a plea for mercy 🙏. The plot, if you can even call it that, involves a collection of Halloween-themed videotapes 📼 unleashing a series of “twisted, blood-soaked tales.”🩸 I’m sure they’re very “original” and “not at all derivative” of every other horror movie ever made. 🙄 Trick-or-treat becomes a struggle for survival, because apparently handing out candy is now an extreme sport. 🏅
Oh, joy! 🥳 Another found-footage movie with jump scares so predictable, even your grandma will see them coming. 👵 The shaky cam is so bad, you’ll think you’re watching it through a washing machine. 🧺 And the “acting”? Let’s just say the actors are probably regretting their life choices. 🎭
It features the following “stories” (and I use that term loosely):
DIET PHANTASMA directed by Bryan M. Ferguson: Sounds like a weight-loss ad gone wrong. 🥗 Probably contains excessive kale consumption and existential dread. 😫
FUN SIZE directed by Casper Kelly: Is this about miniature candy bars causing chaos? 🍫 If so, I’m in. Otherwise, hard pass. 🚫
HOME HAUNT directed by Micheline Pitt-Norman and R.H. Norman: Because haunted houses aren’t cliché enough. 👻 Expect creaky doors and ghostly moans. 🚪
KIDPRINT directed by Alex Ross Perry: Sounds like a daycare center from hell. 😈 Probably involves finger painting with blood. 🩸
UT SUPRA SIC INFRA directed by Paco Plaza: I have no idea what this means, and frankly, I don’t want to know. 🤔
COOCHIE COOCHIE COO directed by Anna Zlokovic: Okay, now they’re just messing with us. 👶 This has to be the most disturbing title I’ve ever seen. 😨
Streaming Exclusively on Shudder starting Friday, October 3rd. So, if you’re looking for a way to waste your time and lower your expectations for horror movies, this is the film for you! 🤡 Otherwise, I suggest rewatching a classic like “The Shining” 🌟 or “Halloween” 🎃, you know, something actually scary. 👻
Finn McFrame, celebrated satirical mastermind and self-proclaimed “Emperor of Irony,” started his illustrious career as a cinematographer, where his expertise in capturing every single frame of a squirrel stealing a baguette earned him accolades at obscure film festivals.
Born in the glamorous town of Boring, Oregon, Finn grew up with dreams of being a Hollywood director until he realized that satire, not cinema, was his true calling—or at least the one that let him sleep until noon.
Finn McFrame: changing the world, one satirical lens flare at a time.
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