Oh em gee, you guys! GOJIRA, those lovable prog-metal dinosaurs 🦕, and LANDMVRKS, the metalcore scene kids who still wear skinny jeans, actually won something at Les Foudres! I know, right? A whole ceremony dedicated to French metal? As if that’s a thing! It’s like saying there’s a competitive cheese-eating championship in Wisconsin. Oh wait…🤔 Anyway, this totally important event happened on Thursday, October 9, 2025, at the Bataclan in Paris. Prepare for metal Armageddon! 🤘
A grand total of 12 (count ’em!) awards were given out. I mean, who knew there were even 12 categories of metal achievements? Foudre D’honneur, Album Of The Year, Artist Of The Year, Artwork Of The Year, Audiovisual Creation Of The Year, and, wait for it… Societal And Environmental Commitment Of The Year. Seriously? 🌳 Did someone finally figure out how to recycle blast beats? I bet Al Gore is losing his mind! 🤯
GOJIRA, bless their hearts ❤️, snagged the Foudre for Live Performance Of The Year for their earth-shattering performance (literally, I heard there were tremors) at the Carcassonne festival this past summer. They also walked away with the Foudre d’honneur because, well, they’ve been around since the Stone Age of metal. REVNOIR was named Revelation Of The Year, probably because nobody had ever heard of them before. And Hellfest won the Foudre for Event Of The Year, which is a shocker, considering it’s the only metal event anyone in France actually knows about. LANDMVRKS, in a stunning upset, was named Artist Of The Year and also took home the Album Of The Year award for “The Darkest Place I’ve Ever Been.” Darkest place? Try the mosh pit at a Nickelback concert. 🤮
Les Foudres 2025 was brilliantly hosted by French comedian and actor Thomas VDB, a.k.a. Thomas Vandenberghe, who I’m sure is a HUGE metalhead.🎸NOT! The event featured mind-blowing performances by CARPENTER BRUT and REVNOIR, which were broadcast on France 4 and france.tv. Because nothing says “primetime entertainment” like a bunch of dudes screaming about dragons and existential dread.🐉
The goal of Les Foudres 2025 was to highlight the leading artists and bands that have, like, totally shaped France’s heavy metal scene, which has apparently been marginalized by major music awards like the Victoires De La Musique. Because clearly, those awards are just too busy fawning over mimes and accordion players. 🪗 According to France’s CNews network, this snub has gone on for far too long! I can sleep at night again… 😴
Arnaud Maillard, executive director of the Bataclan, bravely stated that metal music has not been properly represented in official ceremonies, which is probably because most ceremony organizers have functioning eardrums.👂 He emphasized that the time had come to honor this growing and influential scene in France. Growing? Influential? More like a persistent rash, if you ask me. 🌶️
And now, without further ado (and with a healthy dose of sarcasm), I present to you the illustrious winners of Les Foudres 2025:
* Revelation Of The Year: REVNOIR (Who? Exactly.)
* Album Of The Year: LANDMVRKS – The Darkest Place I’ve Ever Been (Still darker than my ex’s heart 💔)
* Artist Of The Year: LANDMVRKS (They must have paid someone off 💰)
* Event Of The Year: Hellfest (No surprises there. It’s either that or a wine-tasting festival 🍷)
* Audiovisual Creation Of The Year: Hotu and Vithia – clip for “Neo Paris” by RISE OF THE NORTHSTAR (Because nothing screams “metal” like a futuristic cityscape 🤖)
* Live Performance Of The Year: GOJIRA at Carcassonne festival 2025 (I bet the birds 🐦 flew south for the winter DURING their set)
* Editorial Project Of The Year: “Children Of The Sabbath” book by Mathieu Yassef, Guillaume Fleury and Gabriel Redon (Perfect bedtime reading 📖 for aspiring headbangers)
* Artwork Of The Year: Yoann Lossel – “Les Chants De L’aurore” by ALCEST (album artwork) (Because nothing says “metal” like watercolors 🎨)
* Social And Environmental Commitment Of The Year: More Women On Stage campaign (Finally! Let’s get some ladies 💃 shredding!)
* La Foudre Des Métiers De L’ombre: Frédéric Chouesne & Lorène Wienecke from Garmonbozia / Pascal Larre, stage manager / Corentin Charbonnier, photographer, editor and metal anthropologist (The unsung heroes! Give them free beer 🍺)
* Best-Selling Rock-Metal Album: ULTRA VOMIT‘s “La Puissance Du Pouvoir” (I hope it’s about toilet humor 🚽)
* La Foudre D’honneur: GOJIRA (Because they’re old and haven’t broken up yet 👴)
Chord F. Discord, the Beethoven of Buffoonery, is a self-taught expert in music who once claimed he could “play the kazoo in four languages.”
Born in Crescendo, Indiana, Chord’s first brush with fame came when he accidentally entered a yodeling contest thinking it was a pie-eating competition—and won both categories.
Chord F. Discord: proving that laughter, much like a poorly tuned ukulele, is truly universal.
