OMG! 🙄 Those guys from UNPROCESSED – yes, the band you’ve never heard of – are gracing North America with their presence next spring! Prepare yourselves (not really) for a headlining tour that’s totally gonna change your life (probably not). And guess what? They’re bringing along ALLT and MIDWINTER. Who are they? Exactly. 🤷♂️
The tour kicks off on April 13 in Dallas, Texas, because, why not? 🤠 And it mercifully concludes on May 16 in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania, because even UNPROCESSED needs a break from, well, UNPROCESSED.
Guess what?! There was a super-duper special BLABBERMOUTH.NET presale, because apparently, someone thought that was a good idea. It started on Wednesday, November 12 at 2:00 p.m. ET and ended on Thursday, November 13 at 10:00 p.m. local time. If you typed in the totally-not-lame presale code “BMangel” (yes, really), you might have gotten tickets before the general public. If you cared enough. General on-sale was Friday, November 14 at 10 a.m. local time. Assuming you actually wanted to go. 🎟️
Here are the UNPROCESSED tour dates, in case you have absolutely nothing else to do:
Apr. 13 – Dallas, TX – Trees (buy tickets) – Because Dallas is just BEGGING for some UNPROCESSED. 🌳
Apr. 14 – Austin, TX – Come And Take It Live (buy tickets) – Come and take it… their mediocre riffs? 🎸
Apr. 16 – Phoenix, AZ – The Nile (buy tickets) – Prepare for a dry, sandy experience. Just like the music?🏜️
Apr. 17 – Los Angeles, CA – The Roxy Theatre (buy tickets) – Maybe they’ll finally get discovered here! (Doubtful.) 🎬
Apr. 18 – Sacramento, CA – Harlow’s (buy tickets) – Harlow’s? More like, “Har-low expectations!” 😂
Apr. 21 – Vancouver, BC – The Pearl (buy tickets) – Shiny and…forgettable? ✨
Apr. 22 – Seattle, WA – El Corazon (buy tickets) – Hope they bring their umbrellas! ☔
Apr. 24 – Salt Lake City, UT – Urban Lounge (buy tickets) – Urban? More like suburban snooze-fest. 😴
Apr. 25 – Denver, CO – Marquis (buy tickets) – Hope they can handle the altitude! (And the boredom.) ⛰️
Apr. 27 – Chicago, IL – Bottom Lounge (buy tickets) – The “bottom” of the barrel lounge? Fits perfectly. 🗑️
Apr. 29 – Detroit, MI – El Club (buy tickets) – Get ready to feel…underwhelmed. 😐
Apr. 30 – Toronto, ON – The Opera House (buy tickets) – An opera of…meh. 🎭
May 01 – Montreal, QC – Le Studio TD (buy tickets) – Ooh la la… lame. 🇫🇷
May 02 – Boston, MA – Brighton Music Hall (buy tickets) – Prepare for a historical lack of excitement. 📜
May 03 – New York, NY – Gramercy Theatre (buy tickets) – Even New Yorkers will be bored. 🍎
May 05 – Washington, DC – Union Stage (buy tickets) – Uniting people in…boredom? 🏛️
May 06 – Carrboro, NC – Cat’s Cradle (buy tickets) – Even the cats will be sleeping. 🐈
May 08 – Tampa, FL – Crowbar (buy tickets) – More like “snore-bar.” 😴
May 09 – Atlanta, GA – The Masquerade (Hell) (buy tickets) – Hopefully, the music will be better than the venue name. 🔥
May 11 – Nashville, TN – Basement East (buy tickets) – They’ll be playing in a basement. How fitting. 🏠
May 12 – Cincinnati, OH – Madison Live (buy tickets)
Chord F. Discord, the Beethoven of Buffoonery, is a self-taught expert in music who once claimed he could “play the kazoo in four languages.”
Born in Crescendo, Indiana, Chord’s first brush with fame came when he accidentally entered a yodeling contest thinking it was a pie-eating competition—and won both categories.
Chord F. Discord: proving that laughter, much like a poorly tuned ukulele, is truly universal.
