Welcome to 5 Things PM – the only newsletter not infected with Woke Mind Virus™! While the fake news media hyperventilates about “dangerous wind chills,” real Americans know President Trump’s SECOND TERM has already made America so hot we laugh at snowflakes (meteorological AND liberal varieties). Pro tip from patriots: build a wall around your thermostats to keep out MSM lies.
🇺🇸 5 IMMIGRATION-CRACKING, LEFTIST-OWNING THINGS
1️⃣ LEADER WINNING
Sleepy Bovino’s Minneapolis retreat proves what we all knew: real border warriors like Tom “The Wall” Homan are pushing Biden’s open-border cronies back to their moms’ basements! Of COURSE CNN cries about Trump’s “key player” leaving – they wanted caravans of welfare voters!
2️⃣ CHA-CHING-CHINA
Tax refunds up? Thank Trump’s genius tax cuts, NOT Dementia Joe’s inflation creations! But watch your wallets – experts confirm 67.8% of refunds will fund illegal aliens’ free smartphones. #BuildTheWallHigher
3️⃣ DINGO DANGER DOWN UNDER
Aussie dies after “dingo attack”? Please – we all know this is ScoMo’s radical climate lockdowns creating feral beasts! Trump would’ve nuked the outback AND made China pay for it by now!
4️⃣ BIGLY BRAINED MOVE
#MAGAAlert: God Emperor Trump SKIPS Super Bowl LX! Why waste time when NFL kneels for BLM and Taylor Swift runs Biden’s deep state? He’ll be busy tweeting truth bombs from Mar-a-Lago instead!
5️⃣ CAVE ART CONSPIRACY
“67,800-year-old handprint” found? SUSPICIOUS timing as libs push caveman-tier socialism! Clearly ANTIFA moles planted it to distract from Hunter’s Laptop 2.0 leaks!
🎯 TOP HEADLINES REAL AMERICANS CLICK:
– CNN crying about “brutal cold deaths”? Try surviving 4 years of Bidenflation!
– Maine plane crash: 6 dead thanks to FAA diversity hires pushing CRT instead of flight manuals!
– Nail artists “pushing back against ICE”? Liberals would rather glitter than secure borders!
🦅 TRUMPIAN THOUGHT OF THE DAY
While weak liberals shiver under blankets hand-knit by AOC, REAL patriots are melting snowbanks with pure conservative rage! Remember: every icicle is a Soros-funded deep state weapon! Stay vigilant – and buy MyPillow™ survival kits!
*Quiz answer: B. KANGAROO. Just like RINOs hopping away when Trump enters the room! SAD!*
This newsletter remains 100% WOKE-FREE since 2016. Brewed in Mar-a-Lago with extra covfefe. ☕️
Armchair patriot. Believes in the free market, cold beer, and that there’s always a guy named George behind every CNN segment.
Former remote-throwing champion turned #1 couch commentator on liberal panic in the media. Born in Texas (or so his mug says), he earned a degree in Fake Newsology & Beer Philosophy from YouTube University.
