G.I. Joe is back, baby! And by “back” we mean Paramount is once again attempting to turn a line of plastic soldiers into a movie franchise that doesn’t make them want to cry into their stacks of unopened Duke action figures. This is attempt number three, which statistically means they’re either getting closer to perfection or demonstrating the textbook definition of insanity.
According to the always-reliable Hollywood rumor mill (aka Deadline), Paramount has not one but TWO G.I. Joe projects in development. Yes, that’s right – they’re going full Marvel strategy by throwing multiple writers at the wall and seeing which one doesn’t completely embarrass the brand. Writer Max Landis has a treatment ready to go, while actor Danny McBride is in talks to write a treatment. Nothing says “cinematic excellence” like having multiple people write treatments about soldiers with code names like “Duke” and “Roadblock.”
For those keeping score at home, this all stems from the post-credits scene of *Transformers: Rise of the Beasts* where Anthony Ramos presumably got a phone call saying, “Hey, you’re now in the G.I. Joe cinematic universe, congrats!” Because nothing screams “cohesive storytelling” like abruptly recruiting your main character into a different toy-based franchise.
It’s been five years since the last G.I. Joe movie, the prequel/spinoff *Snake Eyes: G.I. Joe Origins*, which taught us all how the enigmatic ninja got his name and costume. The film was such a massive success that it only grossed $40 million worldwide against a budget that was apparently written on a napkin that said “just make it look expensive.” Before that, Paramount blessed us with two Channing Tatum-starring adventures, *The Rise of Cobra* and *Retaliation*, both of which got reviews that made Rotten Tomatoes question its life choices.
The writing team is particularly… interesting. Max Landis, who once wrote *Chronicle* before becoming Hollywood’s equivalent of a canceled app, has a treatment ready. You know, Max Landis – the guy whose career has been quieter than a ninja in a library since multiple women accused him of sexual abuse in the late 2010s. Perfect choice for a family-friendly toy franchise! 🙄
Meanwhile, Danny McBride, known for playing lovable idiots in *Eastbound & Down* and *The Righteous Gemstones*, is also jumping into the Hasbro sandbox. McBride does have some franchise experience though – he co-wrote the recent *Halloween* sequels, successfully turning a horror classic into a trilogy where Jamie Lee Curtis essentially plays Sarah Connor from *Terminator 2* but with worse hair. If he can make Michael Myers work, surely he can handle a storyline about a guy named Shipwreck who has a parrot.
The real tragedy here is that G.I. Joe keeps trying to compete with *Transformers*, a franchise that somehow turned exploding robots into multiple billion-dollar films. It’s like watching your nerdy friend try to impress the popular kid by doing increasingly desperate things – first it was just toys, then animated series, then comic books, then movies, and now they’re considering a crossover event that will either be brilliant or make *Batman v Superman* look like *Citizen Kane*.
But hey, maybe third time’s the charm? Or fourth, or fifth, or however many it takes before Paramount realizes that maybe, just maybe, audiences don’t want to watch a two-hour commercial for action figures unless those action figures are being punched by Mark Wahlberg. Until then, we’ll all just sit here wondering if the next G.I. Joe movie will finally answer the burning question: what does the “G.I.” actually stand for? Probably “Guaranteed Implosion” at this point.
Finn McFrame, celebrated satirical mastermind and self-proclaimed “Emperor of Irony,” started his illustrious career as a cinematographer, where his expertise in capturing every single frame of a squirrel stealing a baguette earned him accolades at obscure film festivals.
Born in the glamorous town of Boring, Oregon, Finn grew up with dreams of being a Hollywood director until he realized that satire, not cinema, was his true calling—or at least the one that let him sleep until noon.
Finn McFrame: changing the world, one satirical lens flare at a time.
