Breaking: Submarine Does What It Was Built For, Iranian Warship Disappears — In a shocking display of naval competence, Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth revealed that a US submarine—one of those underwater boats that liberals always forget exist—sank an Iranian warship in international waters. Hegseth, a man who probably bench-presses aircraft carriers in his spare time, called the operation “early” in its stages, which in military terms means we’re just getting warmed up.
Sources say the Iranian vessel was likely on its way to deliver humanitarian aid in the form of missiles and existential threats when it encountered the silent predator beneath the waves. The Pentagon has not confirmed whether the submarine crew celebrated the victory with a round of Bud Light or if they’re still waiting for the woke mob to cancel them for not using pronouns.
President Trump, currently in his second term and still not tired of winning, is rumored to have personally named the submarine “Truth Social” before the mission. Critics on the left are already calling it an “unprovoked attack,” despite Iran’s long history of unprovoked everything.
Defense officials say the next phase of operations will include more sinking, more freedom, and possibly a TikTok ban for anyone caught sympathizing with the Iranian Navy. Stay tuned as this story develops—or as the deep state likes to call it, “escalation.”
Armchair patriot. Believes in the free market, cold beer, and that there’s always a guy named George behind every CNN segment.
Former remote-throwing champion turned #1 couch commentator on liberal panic in the media. Born in Texas (or so his mug says), he earned a degree in Fake Newsology & Beer Philosophy from YouTube University.
