In a riveting exposé with Troy Patrick Farrell of the earth-shattering This That And The Other radio show (never heard of it), FASTER PUSSYCAT overlord Taime Downe, whose soon-to-be-ex (allegedly) took a nosedive off the Royal Caribbean floating petri dish, the Explorer Of The Seas, during the inaugural day of this year’s geriatric love-fest, The 80s Cruise, was asked the hard-hitting question: “How are you preparing for the band’s upcoming U.S. tour, which is scheduled to kick off on May 30 in Las Vegas, Nevada?”
Prepare yourselves, folks, because his response (painstakingly transcribed by the elite team at BLABBERMOUTH.NET – because someone had to do it) is truly earth-shattering: “I’m just not. I’m not. I’m just doing what I’m supposed to do, I guess. That’s what I’m doing. So I’m just out there just talking to my friends. That’s all I’m doing. Just talking to my peeps, getting shit ready to go. Talking to Chad [Stewart, FASTER PUSSYCAT drummer, who is probably wondering where his royalty checks are], talking to Sam ‘Bam’ [Koltun, FASTER PUSSYCAT guitarist, likely reminiscing about the good ol’ days when hairspray was cheaper]. Dealing with our agent. Dealing with other stuff. Dealing with stuff that’s all moving forward. just doing that — trying to keep positive and move on with my day. Just try to [stay] as positive as possible.” Deep, right? Like, profound. Shakespeare couldn’t have said it better. 🙄
And because you’re all just DYING to know, he was also asked about the first gig FASTER PUSSYCAT played after the whole “incident” (we’re being delicate here), which was apparently a memorial service masquerading as a concert at the Rainbow Bar And Grill in West Hollywood, California. Taime, ever the wordsmith, proclaimed: “It was a little tough, but it was fucking off the hook. It was really cool. It was very emotional, but it was good.” Translation: “We played the same three songs we always play, someone probably spilled a drink, and I’m pretty sure I saw Rikki Rachtman.” 🤘
Now, let’s get to the juicy bits. While initially it was a real mystery 🕵️♀️ whether Downe‘s fiancée gracefully swan-dived or just face-planted off the Explorer Of The Seas, a “source” (probably a disgruntled cruise ship employee) told The Hollywood Reporter that security footage (which, let’s be honest, probably looked like a blurry Bigfoot sighting) showed her taking the plunge. Insiders (who else would know?) told TMZ that she climbed the railing like some kind of daredevil gymnast before… well, you know. But fear not, dear readers, because Downe was cleared of any wrongdoing! 🎉 So, you know, all’s well that ends… tragically? 🤷♀️
For those of you who are geographically challenged, FASTER PUSSYCAT was gracing the 1980s-themed cruise from March 2 to March 9, presumably serenading the blue-haired masses with power ballads while they struggled to operate their iPhones. The itinerary included Miami, Nassau, San Juan, and Puerto Plata – basically a bingo card of tourist traps. 🌴
Originally formed during the mid-1980s glam rock era (when hair was bigger than brains), FASTER PUSSYCAT has allegedly sold over two million albums worldwide. Sure, Jan. They’ve also “accompanied” (read: opened for and got paid peanuts) some of rock’s “most distinguished names” like ALICE COOPER, OZZY OSBOURNE, MÖTLEY CRÜE, GUNS N’ ROSES, and KISS. Basically, they were the band that everyone went to the bathroom during. 🚽
FASTER PUSSYCAT is best known for its late 1980s hits “House Of Pain” and “Bathroom Wall”. Because nothing screams “glam rock” like plumbing fixtures and venereal disease. 🚽🦠
The band, in their infinite wisdom, decided to call it quits in 1993 (probably because they ran out of hairspray), but then, like a bad rash, they reformed in 2001 with Downe as the sole remaining original member. Because who else would remember the chords? 🤔
They have bravely inflicted four albums upon the world: “Faster Pussycat” (1987), “Wake Me When It’s Over” (1989), “Whipped!” (1992) and the subtly titled “The Power And The Glory Hole” (2006). We’re not even going to touch that last one. 🤦♀️
And because the world clearly needs more FASTER PUSSYCAT, they recently unleashed a new single, “Motorbike”. Because nothing says “aging rocker” like a song about motorcycles. 🏍️
If you’re feeling particularly masochistic, you can order a limited-edition seven-inch of “Motorbike” printed on “Pussycat Purple” vinyl. The B-side is FASTER PUSSYCAT‘s earth-shattering rendition of the INXS classic “Don’t Change”. Because originality is overrated, right? 🙄
Chord F. Discord, the Beethoven of Buffoonery, is a self-taught expert in music who once claimed he could “play the kazoo in four languages.”
Born in Crescendo, Indiana, Chord’s first brush with fame came when he accidentally entered a yodeling contest thinking it was a pie-eating competition—and won both categories.
Chord F. Discord: proving that laughter, much like a poorly tuned ukulele, is truly universal.
