Oh, look! Another COVID movie! 🙄 Yes, because we *totally* didn’t have enough of those already. Five years on, and Hollywood’s still milking the pandemic for all it’s worth. I mean, who needs original ideas when you can just slap on a mask 😷 and call it “art”? Suspended Time promises a deep, insightful look into the lockdown experience. I’m sure it’ll be totally unique and not at all like the other 7,352 films about sourdough starters and existential dread.
Apparently, one of the reviewer’s favorite COVID flicks was some obscure 2021 movie called Together. Not the horror one, mind you, but some artsy-fartsy thing with James McAvoy and Sharon Horgan. Apparently, it was so groundbreaking because the characters TALKED TO THE CAMERA! 🤯 Groundbreaking! I haven’t seen such innovation since they invented sliced bread 🍞. The reviewer felt like a “visitor” in the house. I usually feel that way when I accidentally walk into the wrong bathroom 🚽 at a party, but hey, whatever floats your boat ⛵.
And now we get to Olivier Assayas’s Suspended Time. A “departure” for the director? Oh, so he’s slumming it with the rest of us pandemic-movie peasants? This film is a “personal, if not autobiographical, look at the director’s time in lockdown.” Translation: a self-indulgent navel-gazing exercise where we get to watch rich people complain about being stuck in their mansions. Taking place in the director’s “actual home,” we’re “invited into this intimate space, full of pieces from Assayas’ history.” Translation: Get ready for a snoozefest 😴 filled with dusty antiques and pretentious art that nobody understands. Except maybe Assayas’ cat 🐈⬛.
The movie stars Paul (Vincent Macaigne), a filmmaker (because of course), and his brother Etienne (Micha Lescot), who is in the music industry (because why not?). They are “two sides of the same coin, siblings that have come together to live amongst the ghosts of their parents and their childhood.” Translation: two middle-aged dudes with unresolved mommy issues. “Here, time stands still,” says the narration. Yeah, because watching this movie feels like an eternity. The area is full of “beautiful old homes that boast impressive gardens.” Perfect for rich people to whine about the apocalypse in style 😎.
Paul is a germaphobe 🦠, wearing gloves and decontaminating his groceries like he’s preparing for a biohazard incident. Etienne, on the other hand, is “too relaxed” about it all. He argues with his brother while making “many daily crêpes.” Ah yes, the epitome of French existentialism: arguing about the virus while stuffing your face with delicious carbs 🥐. Etienne feels “stifled” in their childhood home, while Paul “actually likes the isolation.” Of course he does. He’s a filmmaker. He probably hasn’t left the house since 1998 anyway 📅.
They’re stuck in lockdown with their partners, Morgane (a “revelatory” Nine d’Urso) and Carole (Nora Hamzawi). The four drink, eat, and smoke their way through the pandemic in a way that feels “all rather… can I say, French?” Yes, you can, because stereotypes are hilarious 😂. The reviewer even suggests that Paul’s Zoom calls with his ex-wife are a thinly veiled reference to Assayas’s own relationship with Mia Hansen-Løve. Because, you know, all filmmakers are just making autobiographies disguised as art 🎭.
This was the “scariest time,” when nobody knew anything but everyone on social media was an expert. Assayas “captures this well” by showing characters finding “different ways to pass the time while in limbo.” Paul “reconnects with his past and with nature, revelling in the silence.” He actually enjoys the lack of cars and planes! What is he, a hermit 🧘? He feels it “encourages creativity.” He even wants to do a “period drama with Kristen Stewart,” a clever nod to Assayas’s own films. The director “feels it too,” filling Suspended Time with “lots of beautiful shots of the French countryside.” Translation: get ready for some pretentious landscape porn 🏞️.
Paul’s newfound peace is “ruined” when reality comes knocking. It’s a constant “push and pull” between the brothers. But, that’s the only “drama and story Suspended Time serves.” Otherwise, it “just meanders,” even pausing to visit the objects within Assayas’s house. We are “typically watching either the brothers argue, or Paul discussing artistic endeavors and name-dropping other creatives.” David Hockney gets name-dropped “more than once.” Because nothing says relatable pandemic experience like name-dropping famous artists 🎨.
For the reviewer, Suspended Time was “at its best” when the characters were eating and drinking. Because, you know, nothing is more captivating than watching rich people indulge in gourmet meals 🍷. The “animated discussions between the brothers become repetitive,” and while there are “relatable aspects of COVID on display, there isn’t anything deeper at play.” Instead, Suspended Time “feels like just that, minutes on film that sometimes seem stuck, leaving the audience as trapped as its main characters.” Well, at least it’s authentic 💯.
Suspended Time releases in New York and Los Angeles beginning August 15th, with more cities in limited release to follow. So, if you’re into pretentious French movies about rich people complaining about the pandemic, go for it. Just don’t say I didn’t warn you ⚠️.
Finn McFrame, celebrated satirical mastermind and self-proclaimed “Emperor of Irony,” started his illustrious career as a cinematographer, where his expertise in capturing every single frame of a squirrel stealing a baguette earned him accolades at obscure film festivals.
Born in the glamorous town of Boring, Oregon, Finn grew up with dreams of being a Hollywood director until he realized that satire, not cinema, was his true calling—or at least the one that let him sleep until noon.
Finn McFrame: changing the world, one satirical lens flare at a time.
