So, apparently, Rick Allen, the one-armed drummer from Def Leppard, is STILL whining about getting roughed up outside a Florida hotel. 🙄 Two years later and he’s still milking it? Dude, get over it! Maybe try investing in some MMA lessons instead of, you know, “art.” I hear drawing stick figures can only get you so far when facing a drunken spring breaker.
According to sources (aka Blabbermouth.net, the TMZ of washed-up rockstars), Rick whined to Eddie Trunk (whoever THAT is) on SiriusXM (because, let’s be honest, who else is listening?) that he had to take a break from showcasing his “art” on the Monsters of Rock cruise. Yeah, because being surrounded by a bunch of aging rockers in Hawaiian shirts is SO much more stressful than getting your head bounced off the pavement. 🙄
He apparently found it “difficult to be around a lot of people.” Oh, boo-hoo! Maybe he should invest in a bubble. Or, you know, stay home and count his millions. 💰 But no, he has to tell the world about his “traumatic” experience. As if losing an ARM wasn’t traumatic enough. I guess getting sucker-punched by some random dude is just too much for our delicate rockstar.
In case you missed it (because, let’s face it, who cares?), Rick got ambushed outside a fancy-schmancy Four Seasons hotel. A then-19-year-old dude, probably hopped up on bath salts and regret, decided to use Rick’s head as a speed bump. No motive was given, which obviously means it was a deep-seated conspiracy orchestrated by… I don’t know… Nickelback fans? 🤔
The police report says the assailant was hiding behind a pole (because apparently even Florida Man knows the element of surprise) and then ran at Rick “at full speed,” knocking him on his backside. Poor Rick! I bet his one good arm was REALLY sore after that.
He even gave an interview to “Good Morning America” (because nothing says “rock and roll” like daytime TV) where he recounted the whole ordeal. “I heard a couple of steps. And then I just saw this dark sort of flash.” Ooh, so dramatic! It’s like a scene from a bad action movie, except instead of saving the world, he was just trying to enjoy a cigarette. 🚬
He then had the audacity to say that losing his arm in 1984 made him better equipped to deal with the emotional aftermath. Seriously? Comparing a car accident to getting jumped by a drunk teenager? That’s like saying stubbing your toe is good practice for running a marathon. 🤦♀️
Guitarist Vivian Campbell chimed in, calling the assailant “some kid on spring break who couldn’t hold his beer or his drugs or whatever.” Real classy, Viv! Way to trivialize the situation. But hey, at least he reassured us that Rick would be fine because he’s “been through a lot worse.” Yeah, like having to play “Pour Some Sugar on Me” for the millionth time. 🤮
And of course, Rick took to social media to thank his fans for their support. Because nothing says “I’m a tough rockstar” like begging for attention on Facebook. He also expressed relief that his wife wasn’t with him, because apparently, she’s too good to be subjected to Florida Man shenanigans. 💅
The 911 calls are hilarious. One woman, working security at the Four Seasons, reported that a guest was “beating her up in front of the front of our building.” She didn’t even mention Rick! Talk about being unappreciated. Another caller reported that the suspect was trying to break into his restaurant. Maybe he was just hungry? 🤷♂️
And the best part? When a reporter asked the suspect if he was a Def Leppard fan, he declined to comment. Maybe he was just a bigger fan of Tesla. 🎸🔥
In conclusion, Rick Allen is still complaining about getting punched. Get over it, dude! Go back to playing drums, or “creating” your art, or whatever it is you do. Just stop whining about it. Nobody cares. Except maybe Eddie Trunk. And Blabbermouth.net. And probably your mom. 👵
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