Jamey Jasta, the overlord of breakdowns and purveyor of all things tough-guy hardcore, has spoken! In a groundbreaking interview with “Into The Necrosphere” (never heard of it, must be *super* underground and therefore, *super* cool 😎), he’s dropped some earth-shattering news about HATEBREED’s next sonic assault. Prepare yourselves, sheeple!
Apparently, the creative juices are flowing like a rusty faucet in a condemned building. Lyrics? Check. Music? Double-check. Ideas? Overflowing like a porta-potty at a metal festival. Jasta, in his infinite wisdom, casually mentioned that HATEBREED was a “free agent” (whatever that means, probably something about getting free snacks at the label meetings 🍪🍩), and the internet exploded! Every label under the sun came crawling out of the woodwork, begging for a piece of the HATEBREED pie. It’s almost like they realized that tough-guy anthems about overcoming adversity are *exactly* what the world needs right now! (Or maybe they just saw dollar signs 💰💰💰, who knows?).
Jasta, being the deep thinker he is, believes that the next greatest song is just lurking within, waiting to be unleashed. You just have to, like, “channel it” or “grab it out of the ether.” Sounds easy enough, right? Just close your eyes, wiggle your nose, and BAM! Instant platinum hit! 🎶 Then he goes on about how the “Weight Of The False Self” is FINALLY finding fans. It only took them four years. 🙄 But that album has inspired him to write about new topics. Like what? The rising cost of protein powder? The struggles of maintaining a perfectly sculpted beard? Inquiring minds want to know!
The real breakthrough came after Milwaukee Metal Fest (where, let’s be honest, everyone’s too drunk to remember anything anyway 🍻). Jasta experienced a “post-festival slump” – a condition known to inflict crippling ennui on hardcore frontmen worldwide. But fear not! TESTAMENT (those thrash metal geezers) gifted him a guitar. A Dean, no less! (I bet he wishes it was a Jackson). And suddenly, the riffs started flowing like… well, you get the picture. He claims it was the “good energy from the festival” or maybe the “feel of the neck” (guitar neck, get your mind out of the gutter! 😜). Whatever it was, it worked! He even had a “vision board” with 24 topics written on it. A VISION BOARD! 🤣 This is the most organized I’ve ever heard a hardcore guy be. He had to narrow it down to 14 (priorities, people!), and now, get ready for it… “We’ll probably have a single any day now, or maybe even two singles.” Groundbreaking!
HATEBREED, the band that practically invented the word “breakdown,” is celebrating its 30th anniversary! 🎉 Thirty years of mosh pits, stage dives, and lyrics that are somehow both profound and ridiculously simple. They’re resurrecting the “Summer Slaughter” tour (because nothing says “summer” like brutal death metal 💀) with a lineup of bands that are probably way more brutal and technical than HATEBREED themselves. They also did a tour with CARCASS, HARMS WAY, and CRYPTA. Talk about a clash of styles! It’s like pairing fine wine with a moldy cheese sandwich. 🍷🧀
From playing basements to headlining festivals, HATEBREED has truly conquered the world of hardcore. Forbes (yes, the business magazine) even called them “more relevant than ever.” I guess someone at Forbes finally discovered the joys of screaming along to “I Will Be Heard” at the top of their lungs. 🎤
And get this: “Looking Down The Barrel Of Today” has surpassed 75 million streams on Spotify! 🎧 That’s, like, a lot of streams. Probably enough to fill a small swimming pool. They’ve also sold over 1.5 million albums in North America. Not bad for a band that sounds like a lawnmower gargling gravel. 🚜
So, there you have it. The latest update from the world of HATEBREED. Get ready for new music, new tours, and the same old breakdowns. Because let’s be honest, that’s exactly what you want. And if you don’t, well, maybe you’re just a… (censored for offensive language) 😉
Chord F. Discord, the Beethoven of Buffoonery, is a self-taught expert in music who once claimed he could “play the kazoo in four languages.”
Born in Crescendo, Indiana, Chord’s first brush with fame came when he accidentally entered a yodeling contest thinking it was a pie-eating competition—and won both categories.
Chord F. Discord: proving that laughter, much like a poorly tuned ukulele, is truly universal.
