Oh, great, just what the world needed: more tanks. But wait, hold your horses (or should I say, tanks?)! Wargaming and Day 1 Studios, those masterminds of… well, tank warfare, are blessing us with a “Valhalla” event in *World of Tanks Modern Armor*. Because nothing says historical accuracy like shoehorning Norse gods into a game about… modern armor. I guess they ran out of real historical battles to butcher? 🙄
So, get this, from May 13th to June 2nd, you can ditch the whole “realism” thing and pledge allegiance to Thor, Loki, or Freyja. Because why not? It’s not like anyone plays *World of Tanks* for historical accuracy anyway, right? Right? 🤪 You’ll be fighting alongside these mythical beings, probably while some dude in his mom’s basement screams obscenities at you over voice chat. Ah, Valhalla indeed. The rewards? Oh, they’re just *chef’s kiss* divine: premium tanks (because pay-to-win is the only way to Valhalla), discounts on special vehicles (probably overpriced DLC), and the chance to feel like you’re actually accomplishing something in your life (spoiler alert: you’re not).
*World of Tanks Modern Armor* is, apparently, a “15v15 tactical team battle.” I’m sure the tactics involve a lot of camping in bushes and yelling about how the other team is hacking. There are over 1,000 tanks, which is great if you like grinding for hours to unlock slightly better versions of the same metal box. Cold War mode is “fast-paced,” which I assume means you die faster. World War II mode is “tactical,” which probably means you spend more time staring at the map than actually shooting anything. And don’t forget the “customization” options! Because nothing says “intimidating war machine” like a Hello Kitty paint job. 😻
But back to Valhalla! You get a “2D Standard Commander” of your chosen god. Because 3D commanders are too immersive, apparently. And a “Flag Voucher.” Ooh, exciting! I bet it’s good for one free flag. Maybe. After you’ve sold your soul to Thor, Loki, or Freyja, you can complete “Champion Path Challenge stages” by doing… missions! Which probably involve driving in circles and shooting at stationary targets. But hey, at least you get “special points”! Which you can then exchange for… more tanks! It’s the circle of tank life! 🦁
And for the truly “worthy” (read: those with too much time on their hands), there’s “Brawls of Valhalla,” a 7v7 mode where you can test your strength. I’m sure it’s a perfectly balanced and fair mode where skill is the only factor. Definitely not a chaotic mess of explosions and rage-quitting. Nope. 😇
But wait, there’s more! You can also gift “Valhalla Blessings” to your “allies.” Because nothing says “friendship” like giving someone a virtual item that probably cost you real money. It’s the modern equivalent of sacrificing a goat to appease the gods. Except the goat is your wallet. 💸
And of course, what would a Valhalla event be without new tanks? We’re getting four “thematic” tanks, because apparently, the existing 1,000 weren’t enough. There’s the Mjölnir, which is “strong and speedy” and covered in Viking symbols. Because subtlety is for losers. Then there’s the Lævateinn, which is “mischievous.” I’m not sure what that means for a tank, but I’m guessing it involves throwing banana peels on the battlefield. The Thrungva is “ready for battle” with “war paints.” Because war paints make you invincible. Everyone knows that. And finally, there’s the Gungnir, which is “shrouded with the wisdom and power of Odin.” So, it’s probably really slow and gets stuck in ditches a lot. 🐌
Lead quest designer Grant Wojciechowski says they wanted to “bring the rich stories of Viking mythology to life.” I’m sure the Vikings would be thrilled to see their legends turned into a tank-based microtransaction simulator. Art director Andy Dorizas claims they balanced “realism” with “mythic elements.” I’m not sure what’s less realistic: modern tanks fighting alongside Norse gods, or the fact that anyone still plays *World of Tanks* in 2025. 💀
So, if you’re looking for a way to waste your time and money, head over to the *World of Tanks Modern Armor* website. It’s available on Xbox and PlayStation, so you can ruin your console of choice with this… experience. Just remember, Valhalla awaits! (Just kidding, you’ll probably just end up in a rage-induced coma). 🛌
Pixel P. Snarkbyte, widely regarded as the “Shakespeare of Sh*tposts,” is a video game expert with a unique knack for turning pixels into punchlines.
Born in the small town of Respawn, Pennsylvania, Pixel grew up mashing buttons on an ancient NES controller, firmly believing that “blowing into the cartridge” was a sacred ritual passed down through generations.
Pixel P. Snarkbyte: proving that life, much like a buggy open-world game, is better with a little lag-induced chaos.
