OMG! 😱 You guys will NOT believe this “news”! Apparently, Disney, in their infinite wisdom (or lack thereof 🤔), is considering letting Jake Schreier, the guy who directed… wait for it… ‘Thunderbolts*’ (or ‘The New Avengers’ if you’re a corporate shill 🙄), direct the X-Men movie! Because, you know, ‘Thunderbolts*’ was SUCH a cinematic masterpiece! 🙄🙄🙄
So, ‘ThunderNewVengers’ (patent pending, Marvel, DM for royalty info 💰) apparently raked in a measly $74 million domestically. 😴😴😴 I mean, my grandma’s bake sale probably made more. But hey, Disney’s desperate to stay relevant after their recent string of flops (cough, *Eternals*, cough 🤢), so they’re clinging to anything that shows even a glimmer of hope.
And who’s this Jake Schreier guy anyway? He directed some indie flicks nobody saw and a Netflix show that probably got canceled after one season. But sure, let’s hand him the keys to one of the most beloved comic book franchises EVER! 🤦♀️🤦♂️
Supposedly, Schreier is a HUGE X-Men fan. Great! So am I! Does that mean I get to direct the next Avengers movie? No? Didn’t think so. 😒
And who’s writing this train wreck? Some dude named Michael Lesslie, who wrote a draft of ‘The Hunger Games: The Ballad of Songbirds and Snakes’. Sounds thrilling! 😴 Just what the X-Men need – more teen angst and dystopian drama! 🙄
Of course, Kevin Feige, the overlord of Marvel, is overseeing everything. Because, you know, he hasn’t made enough questionable decisions lately. 🙄 He started his career with the Fox X-Men movies, so naturally, he’s the perfect person to bring them into the MCU. 🙄🙄🙄 (Insert sarcasm font here.)
As for the plot? Who knows! Maybe they’ll introduce a new mutant whose power is… wait for it… making toast! 🍞 Or maybe they’ll retcon everything and make Wolverine a talking chihuahua. 🐶 The possibilities are endless! (And terrifying.)
And don’t even get me started on the casting! I’m sure they’ll find some fresh-faced, woke actors who can totally capture the essence of characters like Magneto and Professor X. 🙄🙄🙄 (Spoiler alert: they won’t.)
But hey, at least we have ‘X-Men ’97’! That show was actually good! 👍 Too bad it’s just a cartoon. 😭
So, when can we expect this disasterpiece to hit theaters? Probably sometime after ‘Secret Wars’, whenever THAT finally comes out. ⏳ In the meantime, I’ll be over here, re-watching the original X-Men trilogy and pretending the MCU never happened. ✌️
And if you actually BUY tickets to ‘Thunderbolts*’, you are part of the problem. Just saying. 😉
P.S. Buy Marvel movies on Amazon so Disney can continue to afford their CEO’s yacht. 🛥️ You’re welcome.
Finn McFrame, celebrated satirical mastermind and self-proclaimed “Emperor of Irony,” started his illustrious career as a cinematographer, where his expertise in capturing every single frame of a squirrel stealing a baguette earned him accolades at obscure film festivals.
Born in the glamorous town of Boring, Oregon, Finn grew up with dreams of being a Hollywood director until he realized that satire, not cinema, was his true calling—or at least the one that let him sleep until noon.
Finn McFrame: changing the world, one satirical lens flare at a time.
