Alright, buckle up, buttercups! Wizards of the Coast, those lovable enablers of cardboard crack addiction, decided to team up with Final Fantasy at PAX East 2025. Why? Probably because they ran out of ideas and figured they could squeeze a few more bucks out of our wallets by preying on our nostalgia. Prepare your bank accounts, because the Magic: The Gathering Final Fantasy Universes Beyond set is coming to drain them dry! 🤑
So, apparently, on some random weekend no one cares about (unless you’re a die-hard PAX East attendee, bless your soul 🙏), Wizards and Magic: The Gathering felt the urgent need to bless us with a preview panel about this Final Fantasy crossover. I mean, who asked for this? Okay, maybe a few sad, lonely nerds did, but that’s beside the point. Remember that “sneak peek” at MagicCon: Las Vegas? Yeah, well, that was just a taste of the corporate synergy to come! They even wheeled out legendary artists like Yoshitaka Amano, probably against their will, to draw pretty pictures of Sephiroth. Because nothing says “innovative gameplay” like slapping a familiar face on a piece of cardboard.
And let’s not forget the profound words of Shoichi Ichikawa, the *Final Fantasy* producer: “This collaboration is important to us because it allows us to merge the immersive storytelling of *Final Fantasy* with the fun and strategic play of *Magic: The Gathering*.” Translation: “We need money, and you’re going to give it to us.” 💸 The “immersive storytelling”? Please. It’s just an excuse to justify shoving Cloud Strife into a game about summoning dragons and casting lightning bolts.
But wait, there’s more! Before the card-slinging circus began, we were introduced to the four horsemen of this MTG apocalypse: Zakeel Gordon, Daniel Holt, David Deveney, and Gavin Verhey. They are apparently fans of both games, which is nice I guess. It means they’re probably just as susceptible to corporate brainwashing as the rest of us. “A set filled with cards they personally can’t wait to play?” Oh, I’m sure they can’t wait to see how many booster packs they can sell us before we realize we’ve been bamboozled.
Now, let’s get to the “innovative” mechanics, shall we? 🙄
- Enchantment Creature — Saga. Because apparently creatures weren’t complicated enough, now we have Sagas that are also creatures! So, Bahamut comes out, does some mediocre removal, and then *poof*, just like in *Final Fantasy X*, he leaves. Talk about anticlimactic. I bet you can’t wait to pay $10 for a card that disappears after four turns!
- Job Select: A keyword mechanic that turns your creature into a Shaman? Seriously? I’m pretty sure we’ve seen this before, just with a different coat of paint. Oh, and if you manage to summon an Enchantment Creature with your Shaman, it can attack too! Groundbreaking stuff, folks. Prepare to be amazed! NOT.
- Hero: The Hero creature type, which nobody asked for, is back! I’m sure the 12 people who bought the Marvel Secret Lair are thrilled. The rest of us are just wondering why they couldn’t come up with something original.
- Transform: Oh look, another returning mechanic! It seems that they were too lazy to come up with anything new. So, you can transform your characters into their Esper/Eikon forms. Just what we needed: even MORE convoluted card interactions.
- Adventure Lands: For the FIRST TIME IN MAGIC HISTORY…lands have adventures! I guess they figured lands were too boring, so they had to slap an adventure on them. I can’t wait to see how much they’ll cost.
- Legendary Artifact Crystals: Medallion effects are back! Because who doesn’t love mana rocks that make your spells cheaper? Each crystal also has a secondary effect, which is probably just some random garbage ability they tacked on to make it seem more interesting.
- Meld: Remember Meld? Yeah, that mechanic that everyone forgot about? Well, it’s back, baby! Except, there’s only ONE meld pairing in the entire set. So, basically, it’s pointless.
- Tiered: Spree, but worse! You can only choose one mode, and the more mana you spend, the stronger the effect. Because nothing says “strategic depth” like paying more mana for a bigger number.
According to the team, this set has been five years in the making. Five years! And all they could come up with was this? It’s the most extensively test-played set to date. That’s probably because they had to make sure it wasn’t completely broken. Or maybe they were just trying to figure out how to milk us for the most money possible. 💰
They even went so far as to include ALL 15 versions of Cid. I’m sure the hardcore *Final Fantasy* fans are salivating at the thought of collecting them all. The rest of us are just wondering why they couldn’t focus on making the actual gameplay more interesting.
And for the collectors out there, get ready for a special set of cards based on the Chocobo breeding side quest from *Final Fantasy VII*. Because nothing says “Magic: The Gathering” like breeding virtual birds. Oh, and there’s a serialized *Golden Chocobo* card limited to just 77 copies worldwide. Because artificial scarcity is always a great way to get people excited about your game. 🤑
So, there you have it, folks. The *Final Fantasy* Universes Beyond set is coming to a store near you. Prepare to be disappointed, but also prepare to buy a bunch of booster packs anyway. Because, let’s face it, we’re all just cardboard addicts at heart. And Wizards of the Coast knows it.
See all the cards revealed below…but be careful, too much excitement can lead to disappointment.
*Magic: The Gathering Final Fantasy* Universes Beyond will launch on June 13, 2025. Because apparently, they need even more time to fine-tune the disappointment. More information can be found on the Wizards of the Coast website. But let’s be honest, you’re probably better off spending your money on something else. Like, I don’t know, therapy? 🤪
Pixel P. Snarkbyte, widely regarded as the “Shakespeare of Sh*tposts,” is a video game expert with a unique knack for turning pixels into punchlines.
Born in the small town of Respawn, Pennsylvania, Pixel grew up mashing buttons on an ancient NES controller, firmly believing that “blowing into the cartridge” was a sacred ritual passed down through generations.
Pixel P. Snarkbyte: proving that life, much like a buggy open-world game, is better with a little lag-induced chaos.
