Oh. My. God. 🙄 Did you HEAR about “A Minecraft Movie” 🎬? Apparently, it CAUSES RIOTS. Like, actual, popcorn-throwing, “chicken jockey!”-chanting RIOTS. 🐔 Jockey? Is that even a thing? I thought Minecraft was for, like, 8-year-olds and basement-dwelling adults. 🤷♂️ But no, it’s a cultural phenomenon now. People are getting ARRESTED for having too much fun. 😂 The director, Jared Hess, is like, “LOL, the cops came because of popcorn.” 🍿 Dude, are you SERIOUS? This is what passes for entertainment these days? 🤦♀️
More from Variety, which, let’s be honest, is just another arm of the corporate media machine. 🤖
So, Jared Hess thinks it’s hilarious that people are getting arrested for acting like complete buffoons at his movie. 🤡 “It’s great when people are climbing on their friends’ shoulders,” he says. Yeah, great for the ER bills and potential lawsuits, buddy. 👍 “Making memories with their friends and families.” By getting tackled by security? 🤕 Sure, Jan.
Will kids start throwing popcorn at home? Probably. Thanks, Jared Hess, you’ve unleashed a new form of cinematic terrorism. 💣
## A Minecraft Movie (Max)
Max hasn’t revealed the EXACT date this cinematic masterpiece drops. 🗓️ Probably because they’re still trying to figure out how to handle the inevitable influx of “chicken jockey!”-screaming subscribers. 🐔 The cast is STACKED with names like Jason Momoa and Jack Black. 🤩 I guess even they need a paycheck. 💰 $940 million worldwide? Seriously? 💸 People will watch ANYTHING these days. 🐑
‘The Alto Knights’ (June 6 on Max)
Robert De Niro plays TWO characters? 👯♂️ In a mob drama? 😴 Sounds like a recipe for a box office disaster. Which it WAS. 📉 Maybe it’ll do better on streaming, where people can watch it in small doses while scrolling through TikTok. 📱
Alfred Hitchcock Collection (June 1 on Netflix)
Netflix is trying to be all classy and intellectual with this Hitchcock collection. 🧐 “Genre-defining masterpiece,” they say. 🙄 I bet most of their subscribers have never even HEARD of Hitchcock. They’re too busy watching reality TV and true crime documentaries. 🔪 But hey, good for them for trying to elevate the discourse, I guess. 🤷♀️
Barbarian (June 1 on Netflix)
Speaking of elevating the discourse, “Barbarian” is ALSO part of Netflix’s Hitchcock celebration. 🎉 Because nothing says “Hitchcock” like a word-of-mouth horror sensation. 🗣️ $45 million grossed on a $4 million budget? 🤑 That’s what I call a success story. Take notes, Hollywood. 📝
Us (June 1 on Netflix)
Jordan Peele was “vocal” about Hitchcock being one of his biggest inspirations. 📣 I’m sure Hitchcock would be THRILLED to be associated with “Us.” 😂 Lupita Nyong’o gives a “tour-de-force performance.” 🙄 Is that what we’re calling it now? I thought it was just a scary movie with a convoluted plot. 🤷♂️
Straw (June 6 on Netflix)
Taraji P. Henson headlines Tyler Perry’s latest Netflix original movie, “Straw.” 🎭 The synopsis reads like a daytime soap opera. 📺 “A single mother’s world unravels in chaos…” 🌪️ Sounds riveting. NOT. 🙄
Becoming Led Zeppelin (June 7 on Netflix)
Led Zeppelin? 🎸 Is that still a thing? I thought everyone was listening to mumble rap these days. 🎤 But hey, good for them for getting a documentary. 👴 Maybe it’ll introduce them to a new generation of geriatric rockers. 🧓
Titan: The OceanGate Disaster (June 11 on Netflix)
Netflix is “likely” to have one of the biggest streaming hits of June with this documentary. 💥 Because nothing says “binge-worthy entertainment” like a real-life tragedy. 🤦♀️ “Delves into the psyche of billionaire OceanGate CEO Stockton Rush.” 🧠 Yeah, let’s psychoanalyze the guy who got himself and a bunch of rich tourists killed in a poorly designed submarine. 🤷♂️
Ocean With David Attenborough (June 8 on Disney+)
David Attenborough is back to tell us how we’re destroying the planet. 🌍 Thanks, Dave, we needed that. 👍 “Message is one of hope.” 🙏 Sure, because hope is REALLY going to fix climate change. 🙄
Sally (June 17 on Disney+)
A Sally Ride documentary? 👩🚀 Revealing the “romance and sacrifices” of her 27-year relationship? 💔 Sounds like a very special episode of Disney+. 🌈
Echo Valley (June 13 on Apple TV+)
Julianne Moore and Sydney Sweeney in a thriller? 😱 Okay, I’m intrigued. 👀 But “Mare of Easttown” writer? 😬 That show was SO overrated. 👎
Bono: Stories of Surrender (Apple TV+)
Bono is “pulling back the curtain on a remarkable life.” 🎭 Oh, please. 🙄 I’m sure it’ll be a humble and self-effacing portrait of a rock star humanitarian. NOT. 🤡
Parthenope (June 6 on Max)
Oscar winner Paolo Sorrentino is behind “Parthenope.” 🏆 “Exquisite treatise on cinematic beauty.” 🙄 Sounds pretentious. 🍷
Cleaner (June 13 on Max)
Daisy Ridley as a window cleaner turned action hero? 🪣 Okay, that’s a little bit interesting. 🤔 But “James Bond director Martin Campbell”? 😴 He hasn’t made a good movie in years. 👴
The Day the Earth Blew Up: A Looney Tunes Movie (June 27 on Max)
A Looney Tunes movie that was rescued from streaming purgatory? 💾 That’s… actually kind of heartwarming. 🥰 Maybe there’s hope for humanity after all. 😇
Presence (June 3 on Hulu)
A haunted house story from the ghost’s perspective? 👻 Okay, Steven Soderbergh, you have my attention. 🤨 But Lucy Liu and Julia Fox? 😬 Mixed feelings. 🥴
The Actor (June 30 on Hulu)
An actor with amnesia? 🤕 Sounds like a daytime soap opera for hipsters. 🎭
Deep Cover (June 12 on Prime Video)
Bryce Dallas Howard, Orlando Bloom, and Nick Mohammed in an action comedy? 😂 That’s… an interesting combination of actors. 🤔 I’m cautiously optimistic. 🤞
Love Me (June 16 on Paramount+)
A buoy and a satellite who fall in love after humanity’s extinction? 🛰️ WHAT. 🤯 This is either going to be the most brilliant or the most TERRIBLE movie ever made. 🤪
Best of Variety, which is basically just them patting themselves on the back. 👏
Finn McFrame, celebrated satirical mastermind and self-proclaimed “Emperor of Irony,” started his illustrious career as a cinematographer, where his expertise in capturing every single frame of a squirrel stealing a baguette earned him accolades at obscure film festivals.
Born in the glamorous town of Boring, Oregon, Finn grew up with dreams of being a Hollywood director until he realized that satire, not cinema, was his true calling—or at least the one that let him sleep until noon.
Finn McFrame: changing the world, one satirical lens flare at a time.
