Breaking News! Microsoft, the company that brought you Clippy (RIP, you annoying paperclip 📎), is at it again! Seems like they’re playing musical chairs, but instead of chairs, it’s…jobs! Yep, thousands of people are about to experience the joys of unemployment, all thanks to our benevolent overlords in Redmond. This marks their second-largest round of layoffs in just three years. Someone get these guys a calculator; they seem to be having trouble with basic arithmetic.📉
So, two weeks ago, during their oh-so-important “third-quarter earnings call” (which, let’s be honest, nobody actually understands except maybe robots and Gordon Gekko), Microsoft basically winked and nudged, hinting that layoffs were coming. CFO Amy Hood, bless her heart, used some fancy corporate jargon about “building high-performing teams” and “increasing agility” by, get this, “reducing layers with fewer managers.” Translation: We’re firing a bunch of middle managers because, like, who needs those guys anyway? They just sit around all day playing Minesweeper, right? 🙄
Apparently, these layoffs were already in the works, disguised as “performance-based” cuts. Because, you know, if you’re not performing at 110% every single millisecond, you’re clearly dead weight. A *Business Insider* report revealed that affected employees were receiving termination notices. I bet those were fun to read! ✉️ “Congratulations, you’ve been selected for a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to pursue your passions! (By which we mean, find a new job.)” And let’s not forget the 10,000+ jobs they axed in 2023. Microsoft, are you trying to win some kind of “Most Heartless Corporation” award? 🏆
And oh, the drama! They also shuttered some game development studios, including Tango Gameworks. I’m sure that went over well with the gaming community. 🎮 Now Krafton gets to pick up the pieces. Good luck with that, guys! You’ll need it.
CNBC, those journalistic titans, reported that Microsoft is chopping 3% of its workforce. That’s across all levels, teams, and regions. So, basically, nobody is safe. As of June 2024, they had 228,000 employees worldwide. So, that 3% translates to… *checks calculator* … a whole lotta people looking for new gigs! Even after accounting for those measly 650 job cuts in September 2024 and the “performance-based” cuts (which, let’s be real, were probably just a way to avoid bad PR), we’re still talking about thousands of people getting the boot. 👋
“We continue to implement organizational changes necessary to best position the company for success in a dynamic marketplace,” said a Microsoft spokesperson in a statement to CNBC. Translation: We’re firing people to make more money for our shareholders. Because that’s what really matters, right? 💰 The company wants to assure everyone that these layoffs aren’t performance-based. Nope, it’s just good ol’ fashioned corporate greed!
But hey, don’t worry, folks! Microsoft’s stock is up 7% since January 2025! So, while thousands of people are losing their livelihoods, shareholders are getting richer. Isn’t capitalism just wonderful? 🎉 CEO Satya Nadella hasn’t bothered to make a formal announcement yet. I mean, why should he? He’s probably too busy counting his money. 🤑 He also hasn’t confirmed the exact number of people affected beyond the 3% estimate. Probably because he doesn’t want to face the music.
Pixel P. Snarkbyte, widely regarded as the “Shakespeare of Sh*tposts,” is a video game expert with a unique knack for turning pixels into punchlines.
Born in the small town of Respawn, Pennsylvania, Pixel grew up mashing buttons on an ancient NES controller, firmly believing that “blowing into the cartridge” was a sacred ritual passed down through generations.
Pixel P. Snarkbyte: proving that life, much like a buggy open-world game, is better with a little lag-induced chaos.
