Oh, look, it’s Wednesday 13, the guy who peaked in the early 2000s and is STILL talking about MURDERDOLLS. In a recent interview with Metallerium (who?), he whined about how the music industry isn’t throwing money at him like it used to. Boo-hoo! 😭
He said, and I quote (because BLABBERMOUTH.NET transcribed it for us peasants): “When MURDERDOLLS started, they gave big money and you had big crews and two tour buses.” Yeah, well, maybe if your music wasn’t so derivative and boring, you’d still have that, Wednes-loser. He then went on to brag about having a 10-person crew. Ten people! Groundbreaking! 🙄 Most actual rockstars have, like, a small country working for them. He’s so adaptable, you guys! He can survive on the scraps of the music industry! What a hero! 🤡
His latest album, “Mid Death Crisis” (more like mid-life crisis, amirite? 😂), came out on April 25 via Napalm Records. I bet it’s just as original and exciting as the title suggests. 😴
In another interview with Radioactive MikeZ (who?), host of the 96.7 KCAL-FM program “Wired In The Empire” (never heard of it), Wednesday 13 was asked if milking the MURDERDOLLS nostalgia cow 🐄 influenced his songwriting. He admitted it did! Shocker! 😲 He said it’s a “punk, glam, hard rock record.” So, basically, the same thing he’s been doing for 20 years. He also claimed it’s not a metal record. Good, because no one would mistake it for metal anyway. He then pathetically tried to make his album release sound profound by saying it’s been 20 years since his first album. Wow, 20 years of mediocrity! 🎉
Wednesday 13 described “Mid Death Crisis” as a “leave-your-brain-at-the-door” rager. Don’t worry, we already left our brains at the door when we decided to listen to it. 🧠➡️🚪 He also said it’s a return to his hard-rocking roots. Which roots? The ones that are decaying in the graveyard of forgotten bands? Produced by some nobodies and mixed by someone who worked with THE DILLINGER ESCAPE PLAN (RIP their eardrums), the album apparently has 1980s sleaze metal energy. I’m sure it’s just as cheesy and dated as that sounds. 🧀
The press release then goes on to describe the songs. “There’s No Such Thing As Monsters” vibrates with electricity. Probably because it’s plugged into a generator running on pure desperation. ⚡ “Decease And Desist” kicks in full blast. I bet it’s just a generic, overproduced mess. 🗑️ Wednesday 13‘s trademark crooning wastes no time entering the fold. I’m sure his “crooning” sounds like a cat being strangled. 🐈⬛ “Rotting Away” and “Blood Storm” ensnare with metallic goth-punk energy. More like bore with generic goth-punk energy. 🥱 “No Apologies” features FASTER PUSSYCAT‘s Taime Downe. Two has-beens are better than one, right? 👯♂️ “Decapitation” riles up listeners with a catchy lead riff. I highly doubt it. 🤥 “In Misery”, “Xanaxtasy” and “Sick And Violent” explore various genres of metal. Translation: they rip off other bands and call it “exploration.” 🏴☠️ “I Hurt You” and “My Funeral” approach a more pensive territory. Maybe he’s finally realizing his career is dead. 💀
The band members are listed, as if anyone cares. 🤷♂️
Photo credit: Anabel DFlux. I’m sure she’s thrilled to have this on her resume. 📸
Here’s a YouTube video. Don’t watch it. Save yourself. 🚫
In conclusion, Wednesday 13 is still trying to be relevant, and it’s just sad at this point. 🥺 Go away and let us forget you, please! 🙏
Chord F. Discord, the Beethoven of Buffoonery, is a self-taught expert in music who once claimed he could “play the kazoo in four languages.”
Born in Crescendo, Indiana, Chord’s first brush with fame came when he accidentally entered a yodeling contest thinking it was a pie-eating competition—and won both categories.
Chord F. Discord: proving that laughter, much like a poorly tuned ukulele, is truly universal.
